#7 Handwritten Notes are always best

This is the birthday card Kaylee made for her brother:

It says,

From: Kaylee
To: Christopher
My BFF's told me cungrajulashuns to you Christopher.
I love you mor thin you think I hope youLL Love being 5 happy birthday.

Kaylee spent her Center Time, at school, making this card for her brother. When she could have been doing anything else...playing with friends, building with blocks, using the teacher's "special art supplies" to make a creation of her very own...she carefully chose a clean sheet of blue construction paper (Christopher's favorite color), and hand-crafted a colorful, birthday card for him. I especially love the mention of her friends in the birthday note. Kaylee not only took the time to make sure SHE made Christopher feel special, but even shared the news of Christopher's special day with her friends, including a message from them in her masterpiece.

And oh, the hearts! Lots and Lots of hearts! In our family, we have a saying:

 Hearts Mean I Love You.

There's lots of loving in this card, from the heart-shaped balloon on the front, to the multi-colored heart border framing Christopher's initial, to the special, orange heart on the back. Almost as if she's saying, "In case you forgot, I love you."

My favorite part of all was the excitement Kaylee displayed when she gave her card to Christopher. She was so proud of her work, that she read the entire thing to him, as he smiled, laughed, and blushed, along. After Christopher's response, "Thank you, Kakey," and him handing his card over to me to "keep this safe, for me, Mommy,"  Kaylee happily skipped off with her brother, proclaiming all the fun they would be having at his birthday celebration.

I think my children get it.

On Your Fifth Birthday....

Yesterday, my baby boy turned 5. Five. Like, F-I-V-E. My heart can barely contain it.

One of the greatest things I have done for my children, which is an idea I borrowed from their Grandma Lori, is keep a journal for them. Starting approximately 1 week before they were born, and (hopefully) continuing until they are adults, I have recorded their most memorable moments. From what it felt like waiting to meet them, to losing their first teeth (hey, they're only 6 and 5...FIVE, y'all), it's all there. I have so few, tangible keepsakes from my childhood, that I wanted to be sure I had something to pass on to my own, filled with memories, laughter, surprises, and love, that they could treasure for years to come.

In honor of my sweet Christopher's birthday, here are 2 excerpts from his journal:

Feb. 8, 2009
Christopher Josiah,
We are only 1 week away from your due date, and I think you are more than ready to come out! You wiggle and kick inside my tummy all the time-especially at night when I try to sleep. :) I love to feel you move around inside me; I even lay on my back with my shirt up and watch my tummy change shapes with each little motion. :) We are so excited about meeting you in just a few days. I am crossing my fingers and praying that you look, at least a little, like me. I am waiting in anticipation. :)

2 days after his birth....

2/13/09
Baby Christopher,
We are so happy that you are here! The past three days have been so wonderful watching our new addition wiggle and squirm into our lives. :) You are such a sweet baby! You only cry when we change your diaper but as soon as your Daddy or I snuggle you close, all your cries subside. You love to snuggle, and I am so glad, because I do, too! :) Of course, you spend most of the time eating and sleeping, but when you open your eyes, your Daddy and I get so excited! :) You are a beautiful addition to our new family, and we are so blessed to have such a sweet little boy. Welcome to our family, Christopher Josiah. We love you! :)

Today, that precious, wiggly baby is a happy, vibrant, extremely brilliant 5 year old. He loves to read books, play games, go "expluh-wing," and have sword fights. Christopher knows all his colors, shapes, numbers, can write his name (yes, all, ridiculously long, 11 letters of it) and remembers every word, event, song, TV show, in great detail. He is happiest when he "pulverizes" his Daddy, during their nightly wrestling matches, when he jumps on the trampoline with his sister, and...you guessed it.....when he gets snuggles from his Mommy. Christopher is compassion in little boy form, wrapped in freckled skin and wavy, blonde hair, always kind and considerate of others.

In 2009, when Christopher Josiah became a part of our family, we never could have imagined the blessings he would bring along with him. What a treasure he is.

Reading Christopher's journal, on this momentous occasion, I am transported back to the day I first laid eyes on my precious Snuggle Bug. The first glimpse of strawberry-blonde hair. The first sound of his tiny, baby cries. The first time I breathed in his sweet, baby scent, and looked into his blue, blue eyes. I had waited with great anticipation, and all my expectations were far exceeded. As they continue to be with each new memory we have made, since February 11, 2009. As I'm sure they will as we go forth into year 5...FIVE, y'all!

I encourage those of you who have children to start journaling for them. Whatever age they are, take a few minutes to pass on your thoughts, feelings, and hopes for them and their future. Right now. Today. No matter their age. No matter your confidence level. And take some time to look back through the years. Take some time to remember. Take some time to hope for the future.

(Even if you'd rather freeze time and not let them get any older, bigger, more grown up. Five is just too big and grown up for this Mommy to handle!)

Happy Birthday, Precious Christopher! There is LOVE in my heart for you! ;)

The Week That (Almost) Broke Me

Why????

Because, on top of everything else we do on a daily basis (meals, baths, diaper changes, laundry, cleaning, wrangling, crowd controlling, behavior modifying, chauffeuring, etc., etc.), this is what our week looked like:

1.) We have 9 kids, ages 16 months, 3, 4, just turned 6, 6, 8, 10, 13, 14. 'Nough said.

2.) This was the last week of school, complete with awards days, water days, class parties, and early release days. And homework! Seriously, teachers, do you really need to get in that last hour-long worksheet just because you can? Because at this point, what's the point?

3.) Our oldest child got expelled for the remainder of the year....a full 2 days, and 2 half days....for cussing out his teacher, whom he'd already been having trouble behaving for. This occurred just 3 weeks after his 5 day suspension for misbehaving on the school bus.

4.) We had our monthly food bank and United Way run on Monday and Tuesday. Translation: massive amounts of food, toiletries, paper products to be sorted, put away, and organized. All with 4 children home during the day.

5.) Our kids are going to a 2 week, overnight camp, next week, so we had to pack for them. Imagine 8 gigantic duffle bags the size of me......

6.) The Bittners are going on a 2 week beach trip, so we had to pack for ourselves. Not too hard, if I only had the time to do it!

7.) The kids were out for summer break beginning at 11:00am on Thursday morning, and have already been complaining of the heat, boredom, and each other. My solution? OH WELL! You either get over it, find something to do, or I will find you something to do (which usually means a mammoth long list of chores, or going to bed)!

8.) On Friday, we added another child, age 9, who, thanks to his wonderful grandparents, came pre-packed for camp. At this point, what's 1 more when you already have a house full, right? WRONG! All least my current 9 know all the rules, can follow our routine, and are fairly well-behaved, most of the time. New kids need at least a month to get used to everything we do. I can't teach that in a week!

9.) This morning, on the eve of our 12-person departure, our 3 yr. old, sometime in the night, removed his pull-up and pooped in various spots all over his carpeted bedroom floor. We didn't hear a thing on the monitor, because this child is not very vocal, yet. I told Chris we are getting a video monitor for that room, and that is that!

10.) On Thursday, our 16 month old had an outpatient, genital surgery, complete with anesthetics, bandages, stitches, antibiotics, pain meds, bladder spasm meds, and a catheter. Oh, and did I mention OUR BABY HAS A CATHETER? For the next 5-7 days. Though he's been in pretty good spirits, and hasn't had any complications, post-op, it still takes at least 2 people, and 2 diapers, per diaper change. That leaves a house of 9 kids unattended for at least 1-2 minutes, 5-8 times a day. Trust me, our boys can turn this house upside down AND inside out in less than half that amount of time.

SO.........Why am I still alive? Why have I not run screaming for the hills? Why am I not curled up in my bed with the lights turned off and the covers over my head pretending nobody's home?

This is what I have to look forward to in a little less than 24 hours (plus the 9 hours in the car tomorrow on the way down to Bradenton, FL). This picture was taken, just a few days ago, by Chris's dad. Looking at it reminds me of 3 very important things:

1.) My in-laws are awesome.

2.) This too shall pass.

3.) There is a God.

Florida or Bust, for real, y'all!

Thoughts on Time Well Spent (#8)

Over the past few weeks, my family and I have been progressing through each and every home video we have made since Kaylee was born. We have over 20 video tapes and almost 6 years of footage. I have laughed, cried, reminisced, and ached for times gone by. Oh, to hear Sweet Kaylee "read" Eric Carle's "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" just one more time in her precious 2-year-old voice! Or to snuggle up next to a pale-faced, newborn Christopher and breathe in the sweet aroma of milk-and-honey baby skin! What I wouldn't give to relive every snow day, every Christmas, every birthday, every first smile, first giggle, first step, and every other "camera-worthy moment," a la The Bittner Family.

The years have gone by much too fast, indeed.

I am so thankful for the time the Lord has granted me to be Chris's wife, and Mommy to Kaylee and Christopher. I don't always feel that way, so it's good to have a few minutes to pop in a home movie, every now and then, and be reminded of what a treasure my family truly is.

In doing so, this is what I want to teach Kaylee and Christopher about TIME:

Don't Waste It.

Every moment is a gift from God. A unique, specially-wrapped present just for you. Only you can remove the decorative paper and ribbon to reveal what extraordinary treat the Lord has hand-picked for you to enjoy.

Time, though it has seasons, is not a seasonal gift.

You can't store it on the top shelf of your closet to be "used when the occasion arises." It is not like a piece of machinery or cookware that only has 1 specific purpose, and is not always needed. No, time is like the very air we breathe. It reminds us of our existence. Our vulnerability. Our mortality.

Find hobbies you enjoy doing, people to whom you enjoy talking, sites you enjoy viewing, and books you enjoy reading, and spend some time doing, talking, viewing, and reading. Don't take TIME for granted, thinking it will always be there "when you're ready to put it to good use," and waste it on fleeting, futile excursions that will return void.

We received our video camera as a wedding present from Chris's brother, Shawn. Yes, we registered for a video camera. This was one of those "Idoubtanyonewillgetthisforusbutwe'restillgonnaaskforitanyway" kind of gifts. We owe many, enormous thanks and standing ovations to our dear, sweet, wonderful Shawn Bittner, of whom we could not only never thank enough for just being himself, but for also buying us a video camera almost 7 years ago. :) (tehee)

But really. Thank you.

Can you imagine what watching home movies would be like, today, if we had decided to simply tuck that video camera away for "just the right moment?" Sure, we might have a few Christmases or birthdays, but I can guarantee you that much of our lives would have gone undocumented.

 I wouldn't have captured cute, 6 month old Christopher bouncing in circles in his jumparoo, which made us all laugh hysterically and him only jump more.

I wouldn't have remembered every detail of the way Kaylee skipped, glided, and tippy-toed across the floor at her 2011 ballet recital, and how beautiful and angelic she looked doing it.

I know I would've forgotten about the time Chris insisted on skimboarding in the ankle-deep puddles the Mississippi monsoons made in our front yard, Fall of '09. Actually, I might've remembered, but would've tried to block out the fact that, for a Northern boy, he truly is a bit hillbilly at heart. :)

Our home movies are a collection of how we spent our time over the past 6 years with the people we loved, doing the things we loved, and enjoying every minute. Not a minute was wasted, and if I could've taped every second, I would've.


Don't Hoard It.

Every moment is a gift from God that is meant to be shared. Time is not something to keep to yourself, for only you to enjoy. Yes, invite people in. Give your time to organizations, causes, and PEOPLE that matter to you.

Take the time to ask how someone's day is going, and really LISTEN to the response.
Take the time to RESEARCH the facts before developing your opinions and beliefs.
Take the time to DELIGHT in all that is good.
Take the time to COMBAT that which is negative.
 Take the time to ADVOCATE for change, while still being able to APPRECIATE what you have.
Take the time to HEAL, to GROW, to LEARN, and to LOVE.

Perhaps, this is not what this phrase means, at all. What we really mean to say is

GIVE THE TIME TO: listen, research, delight, combat, advocate, appreciate, heal, grow, learn, love.

I love watching an episode of the Bittner Family Reality Show and seeing the faces of the foster children we have loved, through the years. Remembering the struggles, the pain, the joy, and the happiness of those young lives always makes my soul rejoice. Knowing that the Lord saw it right that we should be a part of their healing and growth humbles me to my core. Seeing on camera how Kaylee and Christopher respond to these children, accepting them as their own siblings, loving them, making memories with them, reminds me of God's beautiful design for the family....piecing together all personalities, traits, and characteristics to make one beautiful picture. One beautiful family.

 I am thankful that He allowed us to share some of our 6 years with them, and that He is continuing to allow us those opportunities, today.

For it is in the giving that we are truly receiving. And He blesses us, daily.

Don't Forfeit It.

Every moment is a gift from God that is meant to be shared, but not to be thrown away. Not all gift boxes are the same size. Not all gift bags are huge. The Lord gives each person his/her own gift of time, and yours may be bigger than mine. You may have more moments, days, weeks, months, years in your package than I do. Don't cast any of your time off as if you don't need it, want it, or appreciate it. Relish in the time you have. Be grateful for the time you have. Some only get a few precious days on earth, while others might be given more than 100 years. Though we cannot know the sum of anyone's time, or our own, we must take what we are given and spend it wisely.

Just this past month, alone, I have received news of several friends, associates, and people that I am only minutely acquainted with, losing loved ones to death.

A father who lost his year-long battle with cancer just 2 weeks, ago.
 A family whose 2 small boys were swept away by a river's current, just 2 days ago.
 A precious little lady, whom I only meant long enough to describe what kind of homemade blanket Christopher would like best on his birthday, passed suddenly to due health reasons, 3 months ago.
A young man taking a fatal fall at work, last week, leaving behind his widow and 3 month old son.

While we weep for those who have suffered loss, and pray peace and healing in the days to come, we rejoice with those who are also celebrating life.

Newborn babies wrapped in pink or blue blankets at the hospital.
New litters of puppies, kittens, calves, and ponies.
Friends and family members accepting Christ and becoming new creations.
Birthdays for grandfathers turning 92.

We have one, brief video of Chris's paternal grandparents that always makes me tear up when I watch it. In it, they are both on the back deck at Chris's Clermont home in Florida. Grandpa Mel is seated in the far right corner with his hand in the pocket of his kaki pants, smiling that handsome smile of his, while Grandma Jan cradles a 3 week old baby Christopher in her lap. They both speak in their Northern accents, make comments about the weather, and Grandma Jan even prompts Christopher's oldest cousin (he was 2 at the time) to, "Give kisses to the baby." What is so precious about this priceless family moment is the celebration of new life with Christopher's birth, only months before Grandpa Mel went Home to be with the Lord in Heaven. Of course, we didn't know it at the time, but Grandma Jan would only be with us for a few short years after that, as well.

I am so glad my husband was thoughtful enough to capture this moment on film so we could tell the story of Grandpa and Grandma Bittner to Kaylee and Christopher, who only knew them briefly.

We do not know the hours or days we are given, so we must hold tight to time and praise God for every second.

Don't Decline It.

Every moment is a gift from God that is meant to be shared, but not to be thrown away or refused. The next time a friend asks you to go out for a cup of coffee, clear your schedule and go. The next time your mom asks you to come over for dinner, throw together a quick dessert and get over there! The next time your spouse asks you to snuggle with him/her, by all means, snuggle! Recognize the people, places, things in your life--but especially the people!--that long to share their gift of time with you, and willingly receive it. You may never get this moment back. Seize it with all your might!

Turn off the TV!
Step away from the computer!
Leave your phone in the car!
Put down that book!
The chores can wait!

One of the things we video-taped more than anything else, over the last 6 years, is just time together with each other, with family. Sweaty afternoons at the park. Cold days in the snow. "Just Dance" marathons on New Years Day, 2010, with cousins. Grandparent's Day Weekend with Chris's family. Making gingerbread houses, cookies, homemade pizzas. Easter egg hunting at Mimi and Poppy's house for the first time. All special moments of time shared and time received. Moments that might not have seemed extremely spectacular at the time, and may not mean anything to anyone else, but they are memories that will always be special. Not because of what we did, but because we agreed upon one thing:

Time is precious, and this moment deserves our precious time.

What a gift Chris and I have been able to give our children, these past few weeks. What a gift we have given ourselves! Not many people get to see themselves on film as babies, relive fun memories of bounce houses and playdates as toddlers, or rewind their proudest moments over and over again, remembering every happiness, every tear, every minute as if it all just happened yesterday. As a mom, I thought I had committed enough to memory over the years, but my heart could not contain it all.

Time is so vast, so expansive, so grand. But it is ours for the taking. The treasuring.

To hold dear to your heart.

Kaylee and Christopher, hold your time dear to your heart. And while you're at it, hold those who are dear, to your heart, as well. I know I sure am!

Update

So, the last 2 weeks have been crazy. I'm not talking about just super busy, can't catch my breath crazy, but like "IreallythinkIjustmightforrealdrivemyselfoverthatcliffoverthere" CRAZY!

It all started with a phone call telling us that our 2 youngest boys would be going home for a visit, over the weekend, with their dad, and that said dad (whom we hadn't even heard from for at least a month) would not be bringing them back.

 As a houseparent, you learn to take most things with a grain of salt. Not because you don't WANT to believe what the parents/caseworkers/guardians ad litem tell you about the child's case, but because most of what these people tell you can, literally, change within the next phone call. Literally. So, needless to say, we did not pack a single bag, did not say our final good-byes, and did not allow ourselves to get emotional. Besides, this was, at least, the 3rd time in the 6 months we have been here, that we have gotten a call like this.

Welp. I guess "third time's the charm."

So, after a wild,  back-and-forth, up-and-down, several months with these 2 little brothers (ages 4 and 6), their dad, dressed in a "wife beater" undershirt and sagging jeans, actually drove his rusted jeep to our house and loaded all the boys and their belongings into the back. Mom came in her boyfriend's low-rider truck and managed to peacefully pack the remainder of their possessions, along with their 2 year old sister, and drive off into the sunset to begin the rest of her life caring for her children.

I'll understand if you need to re-read that. I promise, every word is true.

In our 4+ years as house parents, we have had kids stay for several days, to several weeks, and some even a few years. We have had kids that we bonded with immediately, and some that drove us almost clinically insane. Through it all, one thing has always been true:

I always cry when they leave.

Even when I knew I couldn't help them, anymore.
 Even when I had weeks or months to prepare.
 Even when they were getting adopted into a forever family.
Even when they were 18 and fully equipped to make their own way in life.
Whatever the reason for a child's departure, good, bad, indifferent, I still wanted him/her to be with mine, forever.

It was days like that Monday when the little brothers left that I was reminded, in the worst of ways, that these precious blessings were not mine, and will never, truly, be mine.

So, that was hard.

But we all got back into some semblance of a routine. We abruptly went from a family of 10 to a family of 8, and we were ok. It was very quiet around our house (which, in spite of it all, I think we all appreciated), and we were all a little off track, but we were coming around.

I was actually starting to get used to having only 8.

8 is Great!

8 is Enough!

Then, on our way to a cookout, last Thursday, our Case Manager calls and says, "Hey, you got a minute to talk?"

Sure. I'm just driving to the cookout, so I've got a few minutes.

Well, the thing is, there is this sibling group of 5 and then this other sibling group of 3. We couldn't take the 5 because we don't have room, but thankfully, the group of 3 is all boys, and since this is a call from the county (which we haven't gotten in almost 3 years), I feel like we need to move on this.

Umm....*pause*....well......*pause*.....when would this all take place?

Well, the police.........*didn't hear much of this part*.........so they have nowhere to go. Whenever you guys get done with the cookout, we will probably be done with the paperwork and then I will just bring the boys over to the house. I hate to do this to y'all, but I feel like if we say no, they won't ever call us again to place children.

Oh, no, that's fine. I was just trying to run everything through and figure out where everyone would go. Yeah, I think we can make that work.

Ok good. Talk to Chris. Figure out how you want to set up the house and I will just text you with anymore information that I get.

Ok. Talk to you later.

Bye.

For. Real.

So, when we got back to the house, the 3 most precious boys, 10, 8, and 3, were there looking up at us with those sad, chocolate-brown eyes of theirs, and I was hooked. Well, we had to wrangle the 3 year old out of the pack 'n' play, first, but afterward, he was definitely looking up at me like that. Yeah, definitely.

Those boys have been a wonderful addition to our family with their cute personalities and their outdoorsy, adventurous spirits. Oh, and that 3 year old...we can only understand about 50% of what he says. He has some speech delays, so most of what comes out is jibberish, but man are his smiles and hugs telling me exactly what I need to know! :) Christopher told me, the other day, that we don't know what he's saying because, "He's, he's talkeen in Sp-sp-spaynish." :)

On top of all this (you didn't think THAT was IT, did you?) we have another boy, 9 years old, joining our family for the weekends. His family doesn't want him changing schools this close to the end of the year, so he'll only be here Friday-Sunday for the next few weeks. After that, he will come to live with us full time.

So, our family of 10 went down to 8, then to 11, and then to 12.

All in a matter of 2 weeks.

Don't think I haven't had a notion to jump over that cliff, this week, because today, on the eve of relief, I could use some "resting in peace."

But I sure would miss those little 3 year old smiles and hugs.

Oceans

I am loving this song, today. Hillsong United is one of my favorites, ever, so I love just about everything they sing. But this particular song has reached in a grabbed my heart, and just held on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLrQWVpoh7U

I feel like my life is one big wave. Not those tiny, shallow waves that barely splash my ankles, but massive, unrelenting, unpredictable tsunami waves. You know, the kind that come without warning and leave miles and miles of destruction in their wake.

Unfortunately, I was never too good at surfing.

So many times, I feel like I am swimming in the deep, all alone, without a life jacket, boat, or even a small piece of shrapnel to cling to. All the while, I am fighting just to stay above water, to get precious air into my lungs, to gain a foothold somewhere, anywhere, SOME THING to cling to, a small piece of hope that I will survive. Just as I am about to give up, to allow the wave to overtake me, I feel a strong arm, pulling me back to the surface. I hear a voice saying,

"YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH FAITH. WHY DID YOU DOUBT ME?" (Matt. 14:31, NLT)

That's when I know.......I was never alone. Even when the waves of kids, and homework, and behavior issues, and meal planning, and paper work, and meetings, and emotional baggage, and marriage issues, and selfishness, and family crises, and heavy traffic, and bad weather, and government, and taxes, seem to hit ALL AT ONCE, I know that the Lord never left my side.

The strong arm of the Lord kept me afloat. The strong arm of the Lord KEEPS me afloat.

But not just afloat, ON TOP OF THE WAVES. With the strong arm of the Lord guiding me, I can walk on the waves of life and not be shaken! I don't need a boat, a life jacket, or a piece of shrapnel. I hold on tight to my Father's hand, and he keeps me safe.

After all, he is the one who called me out into the ocean, saying,

"IT'S ALL RIGHT; I AM HERE! DON'T BE AFRAID!" (Matt. 14 27, NLT)

Such simple, precious words from a precious Savior.

What tsunamis are you facing, today? Are you allowing God to "hold your face above the waves?" To "lead you where your trust is without borders?"

FLASH

If I could have one "magic" tool for my "parenting toolbox," I would pick the Neuralyzer from the 3 Men in Black movies.

Here's Why:

If you're a mom, you've been there. Pushing a cart full of groceries through a store, eyeing that bag of Reese's peanut butter cups and wondering if you can work it into your budget, when your 3 yr. old yells out something totally inappropriate and embarrassing:

 "Mommy, how did her legs get broken off?"

"Of course, dear." ($150 plus $4.32 equals....OH MY GOODNESS! When did candy get so expensive?! I could buy 2 loaves of bread and a pack of bologna for the cost of 1 bag of these things!)

Seeing that you're not really paying attention, she gets louder:

 "MOMMY! HER LEGS ARE DISAPPEARED!"

Welp, that's enough to wake you out of your chocolate-lover's dream world, after which you quickly look around wondering what in the name of all things your preschooler is talking about. That's when you see her.

The little old lady rolling by in her electric wheelchair, legs amputated at the knees, eyeing a bag of Doritos (and trying really hard not to eye YOU in the process).

I take that back. Your daughter didn't yell it. I'm sure you just thought she did; just like you're sure everyone within a 6-aisle radius is totally NOT staring. Right. At. You.

Whose child is that?!

Who's that child's mother?!

Hasn't that mother taught her child anything about respecting their elders?!

Raybands on.

FLASH

"Kaylee, today we are at the store to get groceries. We will sit quietly in our cart, look straight ahead, and not worry about anyone else in the store. We will obey our Mommy, and if we do this really well, we might get to pick out the cereal for the week. But not the one with mostly marshmallows and high fructose corn syrup."

Then, I would politely put back the incredibly expensive bag of unnecessary calories, and quietly wheel my cart and my child, dazed look and all, to the next aisle.

I'm gonna look into this Neuralyzer thing. I wonder if it works on husbands, too????