The Week That (Almost) Broke Me

Why????

Because, on top of everything else we do on a daily basis (meals, baths, diaper changes, laundry, cleaning, wrangling, crowd controlling, behavior modifying, chauffeuring, etc., etc.), this is what our week looked like:

1.) We have 9 kids, ages 16 months, 3, 4, just turned 6, 6, 8, 10, 13, 14. 'Nough said.

2.) This was the last week of school, complete with awards days, water days, class parties, and early release days. And homework! Seriously, teachers, do you really need to get in that last hour-long worksheet just because you can? Because at this point, what's the point?

3.) Our oldest child got expelled for the remainder of the year....a full 2 days, and 2 half days....for cussing out his teacher, whom he'd already been having trouble behaving for. This occurred just 3 weeks after his 5 day suspension for misbehaving on the school bus.

4.) We had our monthly food bank and United Way run on Monday and Tuesday. Translation: massive amounts of food, toiletries, paper products to be sorted, put away, and organized. All with 4 children home during the day.

5.) Our kids are going to a 2 week, overnight camp, next week, so we had to pack for them. Imagine 8 gigantic duffle bags the size of me......

6.) The Bittners are going on a 2 week beach trip, so we had to pack for ourselves. Not too hard, if I only had the time to do it!

7.) The kids were out for summer break beginning at 11:00am on Thursday morning, and have already been complaining of the heat, boredom, and each other. My solution? OH WELL! You either get over it, find something to do, or I will find you something to do (which usually means a mammoth long list of chores, or going to bed)!

8.) On Friday, we added another child, age 9, who, thanks to his wonderful grandparents, came pre-packed for camp. At this point, what's 1 more when you already have a house full, right? WRONG! All least my current 9 know all the rules, can follow our routine, and are fairly well-behaved, most of the time. New kids need at least a month to get used to everything we do. I can't teach that in a week!

9.) This morning, on the eve of our 12-person departure, our 3 yr. old, sometime in the night, removed his pull-up and pooped in various spots all over his carpeted bedroom floor. We didn't hear a thing on the monitor, because this child is not very vocal, yet. I told Chris we are getting a video monitor for that room, and that is that!

10.) On Thursday, our 16 month old had an outpatient, genital surgery, complete with anesthetics, bandages, stitches, antibiotics, pain meds, bladder spasm meds, and a catheter. Oh, and did I mention OUR BABY HAS A CATHETER? For the next 5-7 days. Though he's been in pretty good spirits, and hasn't had any complications, post-op, it still takes at least 2 people, and 2 diapers, per diaper change. That leaves a house of 9 kids unattended for at least 1-2 minutes, 5-8 times a day. Trust me, our boys can turn this house upside down AND inside out in less than half that amount of time.

SO.........Why am I still alive? Why have I not run screaming for the hills? Why am I not curled up in my bed with the lights turned off and the covers over my head pretending nobody's home?

This is what I have to look forward to in a little less than 24 hours (plus the 9 hours in the car tomorrow on the way down to Bradenton, FL). This picture was taken, just a few days ago, by Chris's dad. Looking at it reminds me of 3 very important things:

1.) My in-laws are awesome.

2.) This too shall pass.

3.) There is a God.

Florida or Bust, for real, y'all!

Thoughts on Time Well Spent (#8)

Over the past few weeks, my family and I have been progressing through each and every home video we have made since Kaylee was born. We have over 20 video tapes and almost 6 years of footage. I have laughed, cried, reminisced, and ached for times gone by. Oh, to hear Sweet Kaylee "read" Eric Carle's "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" just one more time in her precious 2-year-old voice! Or to snuggle up next to a pale-faced, newborn Christopher and breathe in the sweet aroma of milk-and-honey baby skin! What I wouldn't give to relive every snow day, every Christmas, every birthday, every first smile, first giggle, first step, and every other "camera-worthy moment," a la The Bittner Family.

The years have gone by much too fast, indeed.

I am so thankful for the time the Lord has granted me to be Chris's wife, and Mommy to Kaylee and Christopher. I don't always feel that way, so it's good to have a few minutes to pop in a home movie, every now and then, and be reminded of what a treasure my family truly is.

In doing so, this is what I want to teach Kaylee and Christopher about TIME:

Don't Waste It.

Every moment is a gift from God. A unique, specially-wrapped present just for you. Only you can remove the decorative paper and ribbon to reveal what extraordinary treat the Lord has hand-picked for you to enjoy.

Time, though it has seasons, is not a seasonal gift.

You can't store it on the top shelf of your closet to be "used when the occasion arises." It is not like a piece of machinery or cookware that only has 1 specific purpose, and is not always needed. No, time is like the very air we breathe. It reminds us of our existence. Our vulnerability. Our mortality.

Find hobbies you enjoy doing, people to whom you enjoy talking, sites you enjoy viewing, and books you enjoy reading, and spend some time doing, talking, viewing, and reading. Don't take TIME for granted, thinking it will always be there "when you're ready to put it to good use," and waste it on fleeting, futile excursions that will return void.

We received our video camera as a wedding present from Chris's brother, Shawn. Yes, we registered for a video camera. This was one of those "Idoubtanyonewillgetthisforusbutwe'restillgonnaaskforitanyway" kind of gifts. We owe many, enormous thanks and standing ovations to our dear, sweet, wonderful Shawn Bittner, of whom we could not only never thank enough for just being himself, but for also buying us a video camera almost 7 years ago. :) (tehee)

But really. Thank you.

Can you imagine what watching home movies would be like, today, if we had decided to simply tuck that video camera away for "just the right moment?" Sure, we might have a few Christmases or birthdays, but I can guarantee you that much of our lives would have gone undocumented.

 I wouldn't have captured cute, 6 month old Christopher bouncing in circles in his jumparoo, which made us all laugh hysterically and him only jump more.

I wouldn't have remembered every detail of the way Kaylee skipped, glided, and tippy-toed across the floor at her 2011 ballet recital, and how beautiful and angelic she looked doing it.

I know I would've forgotten about the time Chris insisted on skimboarding in the ankle-deep puddles the Mississippi monsoons made in our front yard, Fall of '09. Actually, I might've remembered, but would've tried to block out the fact that, for a Northern boy, he truly is a bit hillbilly at heart. :)

Our home movies are a collection of how we spent our time over the past 6 years with the people we loved, doing the things we loved, and enjoying every minute. Not a minute was wasted, and if I could've taped every second, I would've.


Don't Hoard It.

Every moment is a gift from God that is meant to be shared. Time is not something to keep to yourself, for only you to enjoy. Yes, invite people in. Give your time to organizations, causes, and PEOPLE that matter to you.

Take the time to ask how someone's day is going, and really LISTEN to the response.
Take the time to RESEARCH the facts before developing your opinions and beliefs.
Take the time to DELIGHT in all that is good.
Take the time to COMBAT that which is negative.
 Take the time to ADVOCATE for change, while still being able to APPRECIATE what you have.
Take the time to HEAL, to GROW, to LEARN, and to LOVE.

Perhaps, this is not what this phrase means, at all. What we really mean to say is

GIVE THE TIME TO: listen, research, delight, combat, advocate, appreciate, heal, grow, learn, love.

I love watching an episode of the Bittner Family Reality Show and seeing the faces of the foster children we have loved, through the years. Remembering the struggles, the pain, the joy, and the happiness of those young lives always makes my soul rejoice. Knowing that the Lord saw it right that we should be a part of their healing and growth humbles me to my core. Seeing on camera how Kaylee and Christopher respond to these children, accepting them as their own siblings, loving them, making memories with them, reminds me of God's beautiful design for the family....piecing together all personalities, traits, and characteristics to make one beautiful picture. One beautiful family.

 I am thankful that He allowed us to share some of our 6 years with them, and that He is continuing to allow us those opportunities, today.

For it is in the giving that we are truly receiving. And He blesses us, daily.

Don't Forfeit It.

Every moment is a gift from God that is meant to be shared, but not to be thrown away. Not all gift boxes are the same size. Not all gift bags are huge. The Lord gives each person his/her own gift of time, and yours may be bigger than mine. You may have more moments, days, weeks, months, years in your package than I do. Don't cast any of your time off as if you don't need it, want it, or appreciate it. Relish in the time you have. Be grateful for the time you have. Some only get a few precious days on earth, while others might be given more than 100 years. Though we cannot know the sum of anyone's time, or our own, we must take what we are given and spend it wisely.

Just this past month, alone, I have received news of several friends, associates, and people that I am only minutely acquainted with, losing loved ones to death.

A father who lost his year-long battle with cancer just 2 weeks, ago.
 A family whose 2 small boys were swept away by a river's current, just 2 days ago.
 A precious little lady, whom I only meant long enough to describe what kind of homemade blanket Christopher would like best on his birthday, passed suddenly to due health reasons, 3 months ago.
A young man taking a fatal fall at work, last week, leaving behind his widow and 3 month old son.

While we weep for those who have suffered loss, and pray peace and healing in the days to come, we rejoice with those who are also celebrating life.

Newborn babies wrapped in pink or blue blankets at the hospital.
New litters of puppies, kittens, calves, and ponies.
Friends and family members accepting Christ and becoming new creations.
Birthdays for grandfathers turning 92.

We have one, brief video of Chris's paternal grandparents that always makes me tear up when I watch it. In it, they are both on the back deck at Chris's Clermont home in Florida. Grandpa Mel is seated in the far right corner with his hand in the pocket of his kaki pants, smiling that handsome smile of his, while Grandma Jan cradles a 3 week old baby Christopher in her lap. They both speak in their Northern accents, make comments about the weather, and Grandma Jan even prompts Christopher's oldest cousin (he was 2 at the time) to, "Give kisses to the baby." What is so precious about this priceless family moment is the celebration of new life with Christopher's birth, only months before Grandpa Mel went Home to be with the Lord in Heaven. Of course, we didn't know it at the time, but Grandma Jan would only be with us for a few short years after that, as well.

I am so glad my husband was thoughtful enough to capture this moment on film so we could tell the story of Grandpa and Grandma Bittner to Kaylee and Christopher, who only knew them briefly.

We do not know the hours or days we are given, so we must hold tight to time and praise God for every second.

Don't Decline It.

Every moment is a gift from God that is meant to be shared, but not to be thrown away or refused. The next time a friend asks you to go out for a cup of coffee, clear your schedule and go. The next time your mom asks you to come over for dinner, throw together a quick dessert and get over there! The next time your spouse asks you to snuggle with him/her, by all means, snuggle! Recognize the people, places, things in your life--but especially the people!--that long to share their gift of time with you, and willingly receive it. You may never get this moment back. Seize it with all your might!

Turn off the TV!
Step away from the computer!
Leave your phone in the car!
Put down that book!
The chores can wait!

One of the things we video-taped more than anything else, over the last 6 years, is just time together with each other, with family. Sweaty afternoons at the park. Cold days in the snow. "Just Dance" marathons on New Years Day, 2010, with cousins. Grandparent's Day Weekend with Chris's family. Making gingerbread houses, cookies, homemade pizzas. Easter egg hunting at Mimi and Poppy's house for the first time. All special moments of time shared and time received. Moments that might not have seemed extremely spectacular at the time, and may not mean anything to anyone else, but they are memories that will always be special. Not because of what we did, but because we agreed upon one thing:

Time is precious, and this moment deserves our precious time.

What a gift Chris and I have been able to give our children, these past few weeks. What a gift we have given ourselves! Not many people get to see themselves on film as babies, relive fun memories of bounce houses and playdates as toddlers, or rewind their proudest moments over and over again, remembering every happiness, every tear, every minute as if it all just happened yesterday. As a mom, I thought I had committed enough to memory over the years, but my heart could not contain it all.

Time is so vast, so expansive, so grand. But it is ours for the taking. The treasuring.

To hold dear to your heart.

Kaylee and Christopher, hold your time dear to your heart. And while you're at it, hold those who are dear, to your heart, as well. I know I sure am!

Update

So, the last 2 weeks have been crazy. I'm not talking about just super busy, can't catch my breath crazy, but like "IreallythinkIjustmightforrealdrivemyselfoverthatcliffoverthere" CRAZY!

It all started with a phone call telling us that our 2 youngest boys would be going home for a visit, over the weekend, with their dad, and that said dad (whom we hadn't even heard from for at least a month) would not be bringing them back.

 As a houseparent, you learn to take most things with a grain of salt. Not because you don't WANT to believe what the parents/caseworkers/guardians ad litem tell you about the child's case, but because most of what these people tell you can, literally, change within the next phone call. Literally. So, needless to say, we did not pack a single bag, did not say our final good-byes, and did not allow ourselves to get emotional. Besides, this was, at least, the 3rd time in the 6 months we have been here, that we have gotten a call like this.

Welp. I guess "third time's the charm."

So, after a wild,  back-and-forth, up-and-down, several months with these 2 little brothers (ages 4 and 6), their dad, dressed in a "wife beater" undershirt and sagging jeans, actually drove his rusted jeep to our house and loaded all the boys and their belongings into the back. Mom came in her boyfriend's low-rider truck and managed to peacefully pack the remainder of their possessions, along with their 2 year old sister, and drive off into the sunset to begin the rest of her life caring for her children.

I'll understand if you need to re-read that. I promise, every word is true.

In our 4+ years as house parents, we have had kids stay for several days, to several weeks, and some even a few years. We have had kids that we bonded with immediately, and some that drove us almost clinically insane. Through it all, one thing has always been true:

I always cry when they leave.

Even when I knew I couldn't help them, anymore.
 Even when I had weeks or months to prepare.
 Even when they were getting adopted into a forever family.
Even when they were 18 and fully equipped to make their own way in life.
Whatever the reason for a child's departure, good, bad, indifferent, I still wanted him/her to be with mine, forever.

It was days like that Monday when the little brothers left that I was reminded, in the worst of ways, that these precious blessings were not mine, and will never, truly, be mine.

So, that was hard.

But we all got back into some semblance of a routine. We abruptly went from a family of 10 to a family of 8, and we were ok. It was very quiet around our house (which, in spite of it all, I think we all appreciated), and we were all a little off track, but we were coming around.

I was actually starting to get used to having only 8.

8 is Great!

8 is Enough!

Then, on our way to a cookout, last Thursday, our Case Manager calls and says, "Hey, you got a minute to talk?"

Sure. I'm just driving to the cookout, so I've got a few minutes.

Well, the thing is, there is this sibling group of 5 and then this other sibling group of 3. We couldn't take the 5 because we don't have room, but thankfully, the group of 3 is all boys, and since this is a call from the county (which we haven't gotten in almost 3 years), I feel like we need to move on this.

Umm....*pause*....well......*pause*.....when would this all take place?

Well, the police.........*didn't hear much of this part*.........so they have nowhere to go. Whenever you guys get done with the cookout, we will probably be done with the paperwork and then I will just bring the boys over to the house. I hate to do this to y'all, but I feel like if we say no, they won't ever call us again to place children.

Oh, no, that's fine. I was just trying to run everything through and figure out where everyone would go. Yeah, I think we can make that work.

Ok good. Talk to Chris. Figure out how you want to set up the house and I will just text you with anymore information that I get.

Ok. Talk to you later.

Bye.

For. Real.

So, when we got back to the house, the 3 most precious boys, 10, 8, and 3, were there looking up at us with those sad, chocolate-brown eyes of theirs, and I was hooked. Well, we had to wrangle the 3 year old out of the pack 'n' play, first, but afterward, he was definitely looking up at me like that. Yeah, definitely.

Those boys have been a wonderful addition to our family with their cute personalities and their outdoorsy, adventurous spirits. Oh, and that 3 year old...we can only understand about 50% of what he says. He has some speech delays, so most of what comes out is jibberish, but man are his smiles and hugs telling me exactly what I need to know! :) Christopher told me, the other day, that we don't know what he's saying because, "He's, he's talkeen in Sp-sp-spaynish." :)

On top of all this (you didn't think THAT was IT, did you?) we have another boy, 9 years old, joining our family for the weekends. His family doesn't want him changing schools this close to the end of the year, so he'll only be here Friday-Sunday for the next few weeks. After that, he will come to live with us full time.

So, our family of 10 went down to 8, then to 11, and then to 12.

All in a matter of 2 weeks.

Don't think I haven't had a notion to jump over that cliff, this week, because today, on the eve of relief, I could use some "resting in peace."

But I sure would miss those little 3 year old smiles and hugs.

Oceans

I am loving this song, today. Hillsong United is one of my favorites, ever, so I love just about everything they sing. But this particular song has reached in a grabbed my heart, and just held on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLrQWVpoh7U

I feel like my life is one big wave. Not those tiny, shallow waves that barely splash my ankles, but massive, unrelenting, unpredictable tsunami waves. You know, the kind that come without warning and leave miles and miles of destruction in their wake.

Unfortunately, I was never too good at surfing.

So many times, I feel like I am swimming in the deep, all alone, without a life jacket, boat, or even a small piece of shrapnel to cling to. All the while, I am fighting just to stay above water, to get precious air into my lungs, to gain a foothold somewhere, anywhere, SOME THING to cling to, a small piece of hope that I will survive. Just as I am about to give up, to allow the wave to overtake me, I feel a strong arm, pulling me back to the surface. I hear a voice saying,

"YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH FAITH. WHY DID YOU DOUBT ME?" (Matt. 14:31, NLT)

That's when I know.......I was never alone. Even when the waves of kids, and homework, and behavior issues, and meal planning, and paper work, and meetings, and emotional baggage, and marriage issues, and selfishness, and family crises, and heavy traffic, and bad weather, and government, and taxes, seem to hit ALL AT ONCE, I know that the Lord never left my side.

The strong arm of the Lord kept me afloat. The strong arm of the Lord KEEPS me afloat.

But not just afloat, ON TOP OF THE WAVES. With the strong arm of the Lord guiding me, I can walk on the waves of life and not be shaken! I don't need a boat, a life jacket, or a piece of shrapnel. I hold on tight to my Father's hand, and he keeps me safe.

After all, he is the one who called me out into the ocean, saying,

"IT'S ALL RIGHT; I AM HERE! DON'T BE AFRAID!" (Matt. 14 27, NLT)

Such simple, precious words from a precious Savior.

What tsunamis are you facing, today? Are you allowing God to "hold your face above the waves?" To "lead you where your trust is without borders?"

FLASH

If I could have one "magic" tool for my "parenting toolbox," I would pick the Neuralyzer from the 3 Men in Black movies.

Here's Why:

If you're a mom, you've been there. Pushing a cart full of groceries through a store, eyeing that bag of Reese's peanut butter cups and wondering if you can work it into your budget, when your 3 yr. old yells out something totally inappropriate and embarrassing:

 "Mommy, how did her legs get broken off?"

"Of course, dear." ($150 plus $4.32 equals....OH MY GOODNESS! When did candy get so expensive?! I could buy 2 loaves of bread and a pack of bologna for the cost of 1 bag of these things!)

Seeing that you're not really paying attention, she gets louder:

 "MOMMY! HER LEGS ARE DISAPPEARED!"

Welp, that's enough to wake you out of your chocolate-lover's dream world, after which you quickly look around wondering what in the name of all things your preschooler is talking about. That's when you see her.

The little old lady rolling by in her electric wheelchair, legs amputated at the knees, eyeing a bag of Doritos (and trying really hard not to eye YOU in the process).

I take that back. Your daughter didn't yell it. I'm sure you just thought she did; just like you're sure everyone within a 6-aisle radius is totally NOT staring. Right. At. You.

Whose child is that?!

Who's that child's mother?!

Hasn't that mother taught her child anything about respecting their elders?!

Raybands on.

FLASH

"Kaylee, today we are at the store to get groceries. We will sit quietly in our cart, look straight ahead, and not worry about anyone else in the store. We will obey our Mommy, and if we do this really well, we might get to pick out the cereal for the week. But not the one with mostly marshmallows and high fructose corn syrup."

Then, I would politely put back the incredibly expensive bag of unnecessary calories, and quietly wheel my cart and my child, dazed look and all, to the next aisle.

I'm gonna look into this Neuralyzer thing. I wonder if it works on husbands, too????

#1: Stay Away from Strangers

(Ok, ok. "Creepy" is not a PC word to use. Maybe I was a little harsh. So, let's just change the word to Stranger. Feel better? Ok, good. :) )

Can we just take a moment to talk about how literal our kids can be? How embarrassing it can be for us moms who are trying so hard to teach them about rules, values, morals, and "the way things are" when they blurt out something WE said, but totally didn't mean to be repeated in that context....or in public! Or ever!

Case in point:

About this time, last year, we had the privilege of fostering 2 families of young children, all under the age of 6. As is often the case, these children, due to having various caregivers in and out of their young lives, they did not understand the word STRANGER. I'm talking, every single person they saw was instantly a best friend, playmate, Auntie, Uncle, or in many cases, even "Mama." Literally, I would introduce the child to said person, and the child would immediately answer back, "Will you be my Mama?"

Couldn't make this up if I tried.

Ok, so it took a while, but I finally got over the initial shock of experiences like our 6 yr. old boy who would ask innocent passersby, at Wal-Mart, for money to purchase candy or toys. Like he knew them. I would even ask him about the person he attempted to panhandle, to which he calmly and nonchalantly always replied, "Nope. I never met them. But I just wanted to have some money for the Power Rangers."

What kind of adult fishes money out of his pocket to give to a child he has just met?

Needless to say, I got down to business.

I began explaining how Strangers Are:

1.) People we do not know.
2.) People we have never met. They do not know our names, we do not know their names.
3.) People who do not live with us, go to school with us, go to church with us, or visit us.

If we see a stranger, We Never:

1.) Talk to them.
2.) Take anything from them.
3.) Go anywhere with them.

Pretty simple, right? Absolutely! At least I thought so, until I spied one of our 4 yr. old girls literally plopping herself into a middle-aged woman's lap (whom none of us had ever even SEEN until that day), snuggling up to her, and eating blueberries out of her hand, at the Bounce House.

 Who allows someone's random kid to sit in their lap, in the first place, much less give them cuddles and eat their snack?

 Again, not making this up.

After this experience, I was on a mission. Every conversation we had always came back to one thing:

Never Talk to Strangers!

Mrs. Jessica, can I go outside?
Sure, but if you see someone you don't know, that person is a stranger. What does that mean?
We don't talk to them.
That's right.

Mrs. Jessica, can I walk next to the shopping cart?
Yes, but the people in this store are strangers, right?
Right.

Mrs. Jessica, can I have a piece of candy?
Sure, but we never take candy from whom?
Strangers!
That's right!

Mrs. Jessica, can I sit in the front seat?
No, you're too small. You should never, ever ride in a stranger's car at all, even if they let you ride in the front seat.
Yes ma'am.

You get the picture.

Some kids got this concept, while others did not.

Christopher, my "only sees the world in shades of black-and-white" child, and Kaylee, my "oldest child who is always trying hard to remember all the rules" one, however, completely and totally understood and were quick to remind ME of the rules.

When the nice lady at Target reached over to pat Christopher on the head, he jerked away like she had leprosy. Even after I politely explained that he was ok, nothing to worry about, Christopher said (with the lady still standing there and everything), "But Mommy, that woman is a stranger! We can't talk to her anymore!" Yes. He did, in fact, use his tiny index finger to point at said lady. Yeah.

Or the time Kaylee wouldn't even give her family member a hug because it had been a long time since she had seen him/her.

 "Kaylee, why won't you say hello and give hugs?"

She matter-of-factly stated, "Because, Mommy. I don't know that person and they are a stranger. I should never talk to strangers and ex-specially NEVER give them hugs. Ever."

"But, Kaylee, that is your relative. It's ok to give hugs to relatives. That makes them feel loved and happy."

"Well, maybe if I see that person next time, he/she won't be a stranger anymore."

 Is it really the child's fault if he doesn't want to be touched, patted, hugged, or spoken to by someone he barely knows (whether related to him/her, or not).

You think I'm making this up, don't you?

If I've learned anything from having very "tell-it-like-it-is" kind of children, it's the value of honesty. Plain and simple. Why not just cut to the chase, clear away all the "fluff," and put it all on the table? The Bible teaches us to, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no" (Matt. 5:37, NIV). It goes on to say that if we add anything other than this, it can be called "evil."

I know, I know. What about hurting other people's feelings? What about being respectful? What about the fact that "I was raised in the South by sweet Grandma Betty Mae, and she always told me to be nice?!"

"But what if my wife asks if she looks fat in her jeans?!!"

I get it. Discretion is important. Use it.

But consider, for a moment, what might happen to a child who refused to be honest about not knowing someone as a stranger?

"Oh, well, I don't want to hurt that man's feelings by refusing his offer of candy, so I'll take it anyway. Just so he won't be upset."

"Mommy said not to go in the car with the lady, but she was really nice, and she was getting sad when I said no to her. So, I'll just go for a short drive."

Are you kidding me?!

Obviously, those responses would not be ideal.

Just like it was not ideal for two of our foster children to ask and receive money and snacks from people they didn't know. Not because we don't want to GET to know other people, but because young children (and obviously some adults...eh hem...) have not yet developed clear, relational boundaries. They do not understand that not everyone who is living, breathing, and possibly bearing hugs and choice fruits, is/can be a FRIEND.

That is where we parents come in. Like it or not, Grandma Betty Mae, it's my job to be brutally honest with my children. And when it comes to strangers, my yes is a yes and my no is a no (but more no's than yes's, that's for sure).

Though it can be awkward, a little annoying, and SUPER embarrassing to have my children be so frank, it is also reassuring. I know that at least Kaylee and Christopher understand the things they are taught. They can remember them. They can follow them. They're not afraid to hurt someone's feelings or make someone uncomfortable to do what's right.

I need to take a lesson from them.

#12: We are not freeloaders

I don't think I have ever been more shocked or outraged by someone's story than I was by the one Julie* shared with me, last week. Julie is a sweet lady who comes to our home 4 times a month to work with one of our younger children. She is an Education Intervention mentor who helps our child with social, emotional, and occupational skills in order to prepare him for Pre-K. May the Lord bless her soul for being patient enough with our rambunctious 4-year-old to actually teach him something. Whew!

Julie shared with me, last week, that her 20 year old son has spina bifida. You can read all about this birth defect, here:

http://www.spinabifidaassociation.org/site/c.evKRI7OXIoJ8H/b.8028963/k.BE67/Home.html

When her son, James,* was a baby, Julie and her husband made $25,000, total. I don't mean she made $25,000 and he made $25,000. I mean, their combined, yearly income was $25,000. Obviously, this is not enough money to keep up with the demands of a 5 person household, even in the '90's, much less pay the ever-increasing pile of hospital bills resulting from their child's treatments. So, she and her husband applied for government assistance and disability.

They were denied.

They made too much money.

Until their doctors finally declared James "medically incompetent" at age 4, and allowed Julie's family to receive Medicaid and other benefits for James, Julie and her family struggled to keep up, financially. She said that one year, the government even seized their $4,000 tax return as payment for their past due bills. Though she and her husband were doing the best they could, paying $15 to each bill, each month, and living off of $25 a week, they were still unable to make ends meet.

But the welfare system declined them for the first 4 years of their son's life.

Julie has a case load of 22 kids that she sees for services, each month. She described how one of her families has a child that was just diagnosed with autism. As a result, the family is given a monthly stipend of over $700 for services for their child. This money can go toward any of the child's needs, and a portion can even go toward helping with family expenses and bills. To top it off, they were given back-dated support, because the mother had been filing for this assistance for several months. Her total first installment was over $5000.

I could not even begin to compare one illness/disorder/disease to another, nor begin to determine how and why one might generate more financial expense than the other. But I find it unbelievable that one mother is able to receive thousands of dollars to cover the expenses of her child's needs, while another gets nothing. Can you imagine what that check would've looked like if Julie had been able to receive back-dated support for 4 years?!

Julie said when she saw that family, last week, the mom was bragging about her tanning bed membership and her new hair-do.

Another family Julie services lives in a home "littered with beer cans and bottles," but each parent has a laptop, big screen TV, and they drive SUV's. Neither of the parents work.

In both cases, Julie received Medicaid as the family's form of medical insurance. She knows they receive other government benefits because the families make no attempt to hide this fact, and actually appear to be very proud of this. The mother who got the lump sum check even complained that her food stamp benefits had been decreased to $60 a month.

"Well, at least she gets that! I don't magically get $60 added to my bank account every month!"

SHOCKING and APPALLING.

Unfortunately, while not everyone benefits from government assistance in this way, I do believe that cases like these are the norm, though this is not what was intended with the start of the welfare system. Government assistance was designed to help those who either were unable to care for themselves due to illness, injury, or old age, and to help those who had fallen on hard times. Not to serve as a "free ride through life" like it is, today.

Again, I do not believe all people receiving benefits are using them for irresponsible, selfish purposes.

I personally know someone who was enrolled in a 4 year college but was unable to work, due to her class load. She decided to apply for food stamps while she was student teaching, just to help herself out until she graduated. Anyone who is familiar with this program knows that student teaching is exactly like teaching, but without pay. It takes up at least 6-8 hours of your day, on top of  night classes, which makes it nearly impossible to work. Unfortunately, though she was paying a mortgage and had various other bills, she did not qualify for any assistance at all. Why? She had no dependents (children) and was receiving too many grants and loans....all of which were going to pay for her college courses.

Obviously, the welfare system now rewards those who do not work, attempt to try and better their living situation, or become active members of society. The above-mentioned college student went to school to earn her degree in Education, where she now teaches 3rd grade at a PUBLIC, GOVERNMENT FUNDED SCHOOL. Yet, this is the same government that refused to help her when she was in a financial crunch in college, earning a degree to one day work for them!

I would love to sit at home with my children all day, eat whatever I wanted, play on my computer, and drive a fancy car. I can't even tell you when I last got a real, salon hair cut (I'm not talking about the $10 special at Great Clips, y'all), or even considered having enough extra income to afford a tanning bed membership! But if someone was offering me all these things FOR FREE, you better believe I would be tempted to shout, "Where do I sign?!"

But where is the dignity in that? Where is the sense of pride and self-worth that comes from a job well done? Where are family values, morals, and integrity?

Those things do not come cheap, and are certainly not FREE.

I want to leave my children and family a legacy of hard work, service to others, and good stewardship. I want them to understand that nothing of true value can ever be priced or bought, and that the best things in life ARE NOT FREE. The freedoms we enjoy, games won, degrees earned, jobs secured, families raised, and lives lived require payment in hard work, blood, sweat, and tears of passionate individuals and families that believe in MORE than the temporal satisfaction of material possessions.

There is nothing better than being able to provide for your family and maybe even having a little left over, at the end of the month. But to do so with your own hands is invaluable.

I pray that my children will learn from the stories like that of Julie and her son James. It is always ok to ask for help when needed. But it is not ok to accept help without actively participating in the help received. Nor is it ok to accept help without committing to pay it forward.

I pray that the Lord will give my husband and me the strength, determination, and bravery to continue to show our children, in a world of entitlement, the benefit of hard work, and the value of EARNING rather than simply receiving. I pray that our attempts will reach beyond the things we can see, taste, and touch in this lifetime, extending to eternity where Kaylee and Christopher will learn to "store up treasures in Heaven." I pray that our children will find their true reward is not what man gives them, thinks of them, or desires from them, but that which is from our Heavenly Father.

 For the Lord gives freely, but not unjustly.

(*Names have been changed to protect privacy)