FLASH

If I could have one "magic" tool for my "parenting toolbox," I would pick the Neuralyzer from the 3 Men in Black movies.

Here's Why:

If you're a mom, you've been there. Pushing a cart full of groceries through a store, eyeing that bag of Reese's peanut butter cups and wondering if you can work it into your budget, when your 3 yr. old yells out something totally inappropriate and embarrassing:

 "Mommy, how did her legs get broken off?"

"Of course, dear." ($150 plus $4.32 equals....OH MY GOODNESS! When did candy get so expensive?! I could buy 2 loaves of bread and a pack of bologna for the cost of 1 bag of these things!)

Seeing that you're not really paying attention, she gets louder:

 "MOMMY! HER LEGS ARE DISAPPEARED!"

Welp, that's enough to wake you out of your chocolate-lover's dream world, after which you quickly look around wondering what in the name of all things your preschooler is talking about. That's when you see her.

The little old lady rolling by in her electric wheelchair, legs amputated at the knees, eyeing a bag of Doritos (and trying really hard not to eye YOU in the process).

I take that back. Your daughter didn't yell it. I'm sure you just thought she did; just like you're sure everyone within a 6-aisle radius is totally NOT staring. Right. At. You.

Whose child is that?!

Who's that child's mother?!

Hasn't that mother taught her child anything about respecting their elders?!

Raybands on.

FLASH

"Kaylee, today we are at the store to get groceries. We will sit quietly in our cart, look straight ahead, and not worry about anyone else in the store. We will obey our Mommy, and if we do this really well, we might get to pick out the cereal for the week. But not the one with mostly marshmallows and high fructose corn syrup."

Then, I would politely put back the incredibly expensive bag of unnecessary calories, and quietly wheel my cart and my child, dazed look and all, to the next aisle.

I'm gonna look into this Neuralyzer thing. I wonder if it works on husbands, too????