The Week That (Almost) Broke Me

Why????

Because, on top of everything else we do on a daily basis (meals, baths, diaper changes, laundry, cleaning, wrangling, crowd controlling, behavior modifying, chauffeuring, etc., etc.), this is what our week looked like:

1.) We have 9 kids, ages 16 months, 3, 4, just turned 6, 6, 8, 10, 13, 14. 'Nough said.

2.) This was the last week of school, complete with awards days, water days, class parties, and early release days. And homework! Seriously, teachers, do you really need to get in that last hour-long worksheet just because you can? Because at this point, what's the point?

3.) Our oldest child got expelled for the remainder of the year....a full 2 days, and 2 half days....for cussing out his teacher, whom he'd already been having trouble behaving for. This occurred just 3 weeks after his 5 day suspension for misbehaving on the school bus.

4.) We had our monthly food bank and United Way run on Monday and Tuesday. Translation: massive amounts of food, toiletries, paper products to be sorted, put away, and organized. All with 4 children home during the day.

5.) Our kids are going to a 2 week, overnight camp, next week, so we had to pack for them. Imagine 8 gigantic duffle bags the size of me......

6.) The Bittners are going on a 2 week beach trip, so we had to pack for ourselves. Not too hard, if I only had the time to do it!

7.) The kids were out for summer break beginning at 11:00am on Thursday morning, and have already been complaining of the heat, boredom, and each other. My solution? OH WELL! You either get over it, find something to do, or I will find you something to do (which usually means a mammoth long list of chores, or going to bed)!

8.) On Friday, we added another child, age 9, who, thanks to his wonderful grandparents, came pre-packed for camp. At this point, what's 1 more when you already have a house full, right? WRONG! All least my current 9 know all the rules, can follow our routine, and are fairly well-behaved, most of the time. New kids need at least a month to get used to everything we do. I can't teach that in a week!

9.) This morning, on the eve of our 12-person departure, our 3 yr. old, sometime in the night, removed his pull-up and pooped in various spots all over his carpeted bedroom floor. We didn't hear a thing on the monitor, because this child is not very vocal, yet. I told Chris we are getting a video monitor for that room, and that is that!

10.) On Thursday, our 16 month old had an outpatient, genital surgery, complete with anesthetics, bandages, stitches, antibiotics, pain meds, bladder spasm meds, and a catheter. Oh, and did I mention OUR BABY HAS A CATHETER? For the next 5-7 days. Though he's been in pretty good spirits, and hasn't had any complications, post-op, it still takes at least 2 people, and 2 diapers, per diaper change. That leaves a house of 9 kids unattended for at least 1-2 minutes, 5-8 times a day. Trust me, our boys can turn this house upside down AND inside out in less than half that amount of time.

SO.........Why am I still alive? Why have I not run screaming for the hills? Why am I not curled up in my bed with the lights turned off and the covers over my head pretending nobody's home?

This is what I have to look forward to in a little less than 24 hours (plus the 9 hours in the car tomorrow on the way down to Bradenton, FL). This picture was taken, just a few days ago, by Chris's dad. Looking at it reminds me of 3 very important things:

1.) My in-laws are awesome.

2.) This too shall pass.

3.) There is a God.

Florida or Bust, for real, y'all!

Thoughts on Time Well Spent (#8)

Over the past few weeks, my family and I have been progressing through each and every home video we have made since Kaylee was born. We have over 20 video tapes and almost 6 years of footage. I have laughed, cried, reminisced, and ached for times gone by. Oh, to hear Sweet Kaylee "read" Eric Carle's "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" just one more time in her precious 2-year-old voice! Or to snuggle up next to a pale-faced, newborn Christopher and breathe in the sweet aroma of milk-and-honey baby skin! What I wouldn't give to relive every snow day, every Christmas, every birthday, every first smile, first giggle, first step, and every other "camera-worthy moment," a la The Bittner Family.

The years have gone by much too fast, indeed.

I am so thankful for the time the Lord has granted me to be Chris's wife, and Mommy to Kaylee and Christopher. I don't always feel that way, so it's good to have a few minutes to pop in a home movie, every now and then, and be reminded of what a treasure my family truly is.

In doing so, this is what I want to teach Kaylee and Christopher about TIME:

Don't Waste It.

Every moment is a gift from God. A unique, specially-wrapped present just for you. Only you can remove the decorative paper and ribbon to reveal what extraordinary treat the Lord has hand-picked for you to enjoy.

Time, though it has seasons, is not a seasonal gift.

You can't store it on the top shelf of your closet to be "used when the occasion arises." It is not like a piece of machinery or cookware that only has 1 specific purpose, and is not always needed. No, time is like the very air we breathe. It reminds us of our existence. Our vulnerability. Our mortality.

Find hobbies you enjoy doing, people to whom you enjoy talking, sites you enjoy viewing, and books you enjoy reading, and spend some time doing, talking, viewing, and reading. Don't take TIME for granted, thinking it will always be there "when you're ready to put it to good use," and waste it on fleeting, futile excursions that will return void.

We received our video camera as a wedding present from Chris's brother, Shawn. Yes, we registered for a video camera. This was one of those "Idoubtanyonewillgetthisforusbutwe'restillgonnaaskforitanyway" kind of gifts. We owe many, enormous thanks and standing ovations to our dear, sweet, wonderful Shawn Bittner, of whom we could not only never thank enough for just being himself, but for also buying us a video camera almost 7 years ago. :) (tehee)

But really. Thank you.

Can you imagine what watching home movies would be like, today, if we had decided to simply tuck that video camera away for "just the right moment?" Sure, we might have a few Christmases or birthdays, but I can guarantee you that much of our lives would have gone undocumented.

 I wouldn't have captured cute, 6 month old Christopher bouncing in circles in his jumparoo, which made us all laugh hysterically and him only jump more.

I wouldn't have remembered every detail of the way Kaylee skipped, glided, and tippy-toed across the floor at her 2011 ballet recital, and how beautiful and angelic she looked doing it.

I know I would've forgotten about the time Chris insisted on skimboarding in the ankle-deep puddles the Mississippi monsoons made in our front yard, Fall of '09. Actually, I might've remembered, but would've tried to block out the fact that, for a Northern boy, he truly is a bit hillbilly at heart. :)

Our home movies are a collection of how we spent our time over the past 6 years with the people we loved, doing the things we loved, and enjoying every minute. Not a minute was wasted, and if I could've taped every second, I would've.


Don't Hoard It.

Every moment is a gift from God that is meant to be shared. Time is not something to keep to yourself, for only you to enjoy. Yes, invite people in. Give your time to organizations, causes, and PEOPLE that matter to you.

Take the time to ask how someone's day is going, and really LISTEN to the response.
Take the time to RESEARCH the facts before developing your opinions and beliefs.
Take the time to DELIGHT in all that is good.
Take the time to COMBAT that which is negative.
 Take the time to ADVOCATE for change, while still being able to APPRECIATE what you have.
Take the time to HEAL, to GROW, to LEARN, and to LOVE.

Perhaps, this is not what this phrase means, at all. What we really mean to say is

GIVE THE TIME TO: listen, research, delight, combat, advocate, appreciate, heal, grow, learn, love.

I love watching an episode of the Bittner Family Reality Show and seeing the faces of the foster children we have loved, through the years. Remembering the struggles, the pain, the joy, and the happiness of those young lives always makes my soul rejoice. Knowing that the Lord saw it right that we should be a part of their healing and growth humbles me to my core. Seeing on camera how Kaylee and Christopher respond to these children, accepting them as their own siblings, loving them, making memories with them, reminds me of God's beautiful design for the family....piecing together all personalities, traits, and characteristics to make one beautiful picture. One beautiful family.

 I am thankful that He allowed us to share some of our 6 years with them, and that He is continuing to allow us those opportunities, today.

For it is in the giving that we are truly receiving. And He blesses us, daily.

Don't Forfeit It.

Every moment is a gift from God that is meant to be shared, but not to be thrown away. Not all gift boxes are the same size. Not all gift bags are huge. The Lord gives each person his/her own gift of time, and yours may be bigger than mine. You may have more moments, days, weeks, months, years in your package than I do. Don't cast any of your time off as if you don't need it, want it, or appreciate it. Relish in the time you have. Be grateful for the time you have. Some only get a few precious days on earth, while others might be given more than 100 years. Though we cannot know the sum of anyone's time, or our own, we must take what we are given and spend it wisely.

Just this past month, alone, I have received news of several friends, associates, and people that I am only minutely acquainted with, losing loved ones to death.

A father who lost his year-long battle with cancer just 2 weeks, ago.
 A family whose 2 small boys were swept away by a river's current, just 2 days ago.
 A precious little lady, whom I only meant long enough to describe what kind of homemade blanket Christopher would like best on his birthday, passed suddenly to due health reasons, 3 months ago.
A young man taking a fatal fall at work, last week, leaving behind his widow and 3 month old son.

While we weep for those who have suffered loss, and pray peace and healing in the days to come, we rejoice with those who are also celebrating life.

Newborn babies wrapped in pink or blue blankets at the hospital.
New litters of puppies, kittens, calves, and ponies.
Friends and family members accepting Christ and becoming new creations.
Birthdays for grandfathers turning 92.

We have one, brief video of Chris's paternal grandparents that always makes me tear up when I watch it. In it, they are both on the back deck at Chris's Clermont home in Florida. Grandpa Mel is seated in the far right corner with his hand in the pocket of his kaki pants, smiling that handsome smile of his, while Grandma Jan cradles a 3 week old baby Christopher in her lap. They both speak in their Northern accents, make comments about the weather, and Grandma Jan even prompts Christopher's oldest cousin (he was 2 at the time) to, "Give kisses to the baby." What is so precious about this priceless family moment is the celebration of new life with Christopher's birth, only months before Grandpa Mel went Home to be with the Lord in Heaven. Of course, we didn't know it at the time, but Grandma Jan would only be with us for a few short years after that, as well.

I am so glad my husband was thoughtful enough to capture this moment on film so we could tell the story of Grandpa and Grandma Bittner to Kaylee and Christopher, who only knew them briefly.

We do not know the hours or days we are given, so we must hold tight to time and praise God for every second.

Don't Decline It.

Every moment is a gift from God that is meant to be shared, but not to be thrown away or refused. The next time a friend asks you to go out for a cup of coffee, clear your schedule and go. The next time your mom asks you to come over for dinner, throw together a quick dessert and get over there! The next time your spouse asks you to snuggle with him/her, by all means, snuggle! Recognize the people, places, things in your life--but especially the people!--that long to share their gift of time with you, and willingly receive it. You may never get this moment back. Seize it with all your might!

Turn off the TV!
Step away from the computer!
Leave your phone in the car!
Put down that book!
The chores can wait!

One of the things we video-taped more than anything else, over the last 6 years, is just time together with each other, with family. Sweaty afternoons at the park. Cold days in the snow. "Just Dance" marathons on New Years Day, 2010, with cousins. Grandparent's Day Weekend with Chris's family. Making gingerbread houses, cookies, homemade pizzas. Easter egg hunting at Mimi and Poppy's house for the first time. All special moments of time shared and time received. Moments that might not have seemed extremely spectacular at the time, and may not mean anything to anyone else, but they are memories that will always be special. Not because of what we did, but because we agreed upon one thing:

Time is precious, and this moment deserves our precious time.

What a gift Chris and I have been able to give our children, these past few weeks. What a gift we have given ourselves! Not many people get to see themselves on film as babies, relive fun memories of bounce houses and playdates as toddlers, or rewind their proudest moments over and over again, remembering every happiness, every tear, every minute as if it all just happened yesterday. As a mom, I thought I had committed enough to memory over the years, but my heart could not contain it all.

Time is so vast, so expansive, so grand. But it is ours for the taking. The treasuring.

To hold dear to your heart.

Kaylee and Christopher, hold your time dear to your heart. And while you're at it, hold those who are dear, to your heart, as well. I know I sure am!

Update

So, the last 2 weeks have been crazy. I'm not talking about just super busy, can't catch my breath crazy, but like "IreallythinkIjustmightforrealdrivemyselfoverthatcliffoverthere" CRAZY!

It all started with a phone call telling us that our 2 youngest boys would be going home for a visit, over the weekend, with their dad, and that said dad (whom we hadn't even heard from for at least a month) would not be bringing them back.

 As a houseparent, you learn to take most things with a grain of salt. Not because you don't WANT to believe what the parents/caseworkers/guardians ad litem tell you about the child's case, but because most of what these people tell you can, literally, change within the next phone call. Literally. So, needless to say, we did not pack a single bag, did not say our final good-byes, and did not allow ourselves to get emotional. Besides, this was, at least, the 3rd time in the 6 months we have been here, that we have gotten a call like this.

Welp. I guess "third time's the charm."

So, after a wild,  back-and-forth, up-and-down, several months with these 2 little brothers (ages 4 and 6), their dad, dressed in a "wife beater" undershirt and sagging jeans, actually drove his rusted jeep to our house and loaded all the boys and their belongings into the back. Mom came in her boyfriend's low-rider truck and managed to peacefully pack the remainder of their possessions, along with their 2 year old sister, and drive off into the sunset to begin the rest of her life caring for her children.

I'll understand if you need to re-read that. I promise, every word is true.

In our 4+ years as house parents, we have had kids stay for several days, to several weeks, and some even a few years. We have had kids that we bonded with immediately, and some that drove us almost clinically insane. Through it all, one thing has always been true:

I always cry when they leave.

Even when I knew I couldn't help them, anymore.
 Even when I had weeks or months to prepare.
 Even when they were getting adopted into a forever family.
Even when they were 18 and fully equipped to make their own way in life.
Whatever the reason for a child's departure, good, bad, indifferent, I still wanted him/her to be with mine, forever.

It was days like that Monday when the little brothers left that I was reminded, in the worst of ways, that these precious blessings were not mine, and will never, truly, be mine.

So, that was hard.

But we all got back into some semblance of a routine. We abruptly went from a family of 10 to a family of 8, and we were ok. It was very quiet around our house (which, in spite of it all, I think we all appreciated), and we were all a little off track, but we were coming around.

I was actually starting to get used to having only 8.

8 is Great!

8 is Enough!

Then, on our way to a cookout, last Thursday, our Case Manager calls and says, "Hey, you got a minute to talk?"

Sure. I'm just driving to the cookout, so I've got a few minutes.

Well, the thing is, there is this sibling group of 5 and then this other sibling group of 3. We couldn't take the 5 because we don't have room, but thankfully, the group of 3 is all boys, and since this is a call from the county (which we haven't gotten in almost 3 years), I feel like we need to move on this.

Umm....*pause*....well......*pause*.....when would this all take place?

Well, the police.........*didn't hear much of this part*.........so they have nowhere to go. Whenever you guys get done with the cookout, we will probably be done with the paperwork and then I will just bring the boys over to the house. I hate to do this to y'all, but I feel like if we say no, they won't ever call us again to place children.

Oh, no, that's fine. I was just trying to run everything through and figure out where everyone would go. Yeah, I think we can make that work.

Ok good. Talk to Chris. Figure out how you want to set up the house and I will just text you with anymore information that I get.

Ok. Talk to you later.

Bye.

For. Real.

So, when we got back to the house, the 3 most precious boys, 10, 8, and 3, were there looking up at us with those sad, chocolate-brown eyes of theirs, and I was hooked. Well, we had to wrangle the 3 year old out of the pack 'n' play, first, but afterward, he was definitely looking up at me like that. Yeah, definitely.

Those boys have been a wonderful addition to our family with their cute personalities and their outdoorsy, adventurous spirits. Oh, and that 3 year old...we can only understand about 50% of what he says. He has some speech delays, so most of what comes out is jibberish, but man are his smiles and hugs telling me exactly what I need to know! :) Christopher told me, the other day, that we don't know what he's saying because, "He's, he's talkeen in Sp-sp-spaynish." :)

On top of all this (you didn't think THAT was IT, did you?) we have another boy, 9 years old, joining our family for the weekends. His family doesn't want him changing schools this close to the end of the year, so he'll only be here Friday-Sunday for the next few weeks. After that, he will come to live with us full time.

So, our family of 10 went down to 8, then to 11, and then to 12.

All in a matter of 2 weeks.

Don't think I haven't had a notion to jump over that cliff, this week, because today, on the eve of relief, I could use some "resting in peace."

But I sure would miss those little 3 year old smiles and hugs.

Oceans

I am loving this song, today. Hillsong United is one of my favorites, ever, so I love just about everything they sing. But this particular song has reached in a grabbed my heart, and just held on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLrQWVpoh7U

I feel like my life is one big wave. Not those tiny, shallow waves that barely splash my ankles, but massive, unrelenting, unpredictable tsunami waves. You know, the kind that come without warning and leave miles and miles of destruction in their wake.

Unfortunately, I was never too good at surfing.

So many times, I feel like I am swimming in the deep, all alone, without a life jacket, boat, or even a small piece of shrapnel to cling to. All the while, I am fighting just to stay above water, to get precious air into my lungs, to gain a foothold somewhere, anywhere, SOME THING to cling to, a small piece of hope that I will survive. Just as I am about to give up, to allow the wave to overtake me, I feel a strong arm, pulling me back to the surface. I hear a voice saying,

"YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH FAITH. WHY DID YOU DOUBT ME?" (Matt. 14:31, NLT)

That's when I know.......I was never alone. Even when the waves of kids, and homework, and behavior issues, and meal planning, and paper work, and meetings, and emotional baggage, and marriage issues, and selfishness, and family crises, and heavy traffic, and bad weather, and government, and taxes, seem to hit ALL AT ONCE, I know that the Lord never left my side.

The strong arm of the Lord kept me afloat. The strong arm of the Lord KEEPS me afloat.

But not just afloat, ON TOP OF THE WAVES. With the strong arm of the Lord guiding me, I can walk on the waves of life and not be shaken! I don't need a boat, a life jacket, or a piece of shrapnel. I hold on tight to my Father's hand, and he keeps me safe.

After all, he is the one who called me out into the ocean, saying,

"IT'S ALL RIGHT; I AM HERE! DON'T BE AFRAID!" (Matt. 14 27, NLT)

Such simple, precious words from a precious Savior.

What tsunamis are you facing, today? Are you allowing God to "hold your face above the waves?" To "lead you where your trust is without borders?"

FLASH

If I could have one "magic" tool for my "parenting toolbox," I would pick the Neuralyzer from the 3 Men in Black movies.

Here's Why:

If you're a mom, you've been there. Pushing a cart full of groceries through a store, eyeing that bag of Reese's peanut butter cups and wondering if you can work it into your budget, when your 3 yr. old yells out something totally inappropriate and embarrassing:

 "Mommy, how did her legs get broken off?"

"Of course, dear." ($150 plus $4.32 equals....OH MY GOODNESS! When did candy get so expensive?! I could buy 2 loaves of bread and a pack of bologna for the cost of 1 bag of these things!)

Seeing that you're not really paying attention, she gets louder:

 "MOMMY! HER LEGS ARE DISAPPEARED!"

Welp, that's enough to wake you out of your chocolate-lover's dream world, after which you quickly look around wondering what in the name of all things your preschooler is talking about. That's when you see her.

The little old lady rolling by in her electric wheelchair, legs amputated at the knees, eyeing a bag of Doritos (and trying really hard not to eye YOU in the process).

I take that back. Your daughter didn't yell it. I'm sure you just thought she did; just like you're sure everyone within a 6-aisle radius is totally NOT staring. Right. At. You.

Whose child is that?!

Who's that child's mother?!

Hasn't that mother taught her child anything about respecting their elders?!

Raybands on.

FLASH

"Kaylee, today we are at the store to get groceries. We will sit quietly in our cart, look straight ahead, and not worry about anyone else in the store. We will obey our Mommy, and if we do this really well, we might get to pick out the cereal for the week. But not the one with mostly marshmallows and high fructose corn syrup."

Then, I would politely put back the incredibly expensive bag of unnecessary calories, and quietly wheel my cart and my child, dazed look and all, to the next aisle.

I'm gonna look into this Neuralyzer thing. I wonder if it works on husbands, too????

#1: Stay Away from Strangers

(Ok, ok. "Creepy" is not a PC word to use. Maybe I was a little harsh. So, let's just change the word to Stranger. Feel better? Ok, good. :) )

Can we just take a moment to talk about how literal our kids can be? How embarrassing it can be for us moms who are trying so hard to teach them about rules, values, morals, and "the way things are" when they blurt out something WE said, but totally didn't mean to be repeated in that context....or in public! Or ever!

Case in point:

About this time, last year, we had the privilege of fostering 2 families of young children, all under the age of 6. As is often the case, these children, due to having various caregivers in and out of their young lives, they did not understand the word STRANGER. I'm talking, every single person they saw was instantly a best friend, playmate, Auntie, Uncle, or in many cases, even "Mama." Literally, I would introduce the child to said person, and the child would immediately answer back, "Will you be my Mama?"

Couldn't make this up if I tried.

Ok, so it took a while, but I finally got over the initial shock of experiences like our 6 yr. old boy who would ask innocent passersby, at Wal-Mart, for money to purchase candy or toys. Like he knew them. I would even ask him about the person he attempted to panhandle, to which he calmly and nonchalantly always replied, "Nope. I never met them. But I just wanted to have some money for the Power Rangers."

What kind of adult fishes money out of his pocket to give to a child he has just met?

Needless to say, I got down to business.

I began explaining how Strangers Are:

1.) People we do not know.
2.) People we have never met. They do not know our names, we do not know their names.
3.) People who do not live with us, go to school with us, go to church with us, or visit us.

If we see a stranger, We Never:

1.) Talk to them.
2.) Take anything from them.
3.) Go anywhere with them.

Pretty simple, right? Absolutely! At least I thought so, until I spied one of our 4 yr. old girls literally plopping herself into a middle-aged woman's lap (whom none of us had ever even SEEN until that day), snuggling up to her, and eating blueberries out of her hand, at the Bounce House.

 Who allows someone's random kid to sit in their lap, in the first place, much less give them cuddles and eat their snack?

 Again, not making this up.

After this experience, I was on a mission. Every conversation we had always came back to one thing:

Never Talk to Strangers!

Mrs. Jessica, can I go outside?
Sure, but if you see someone you don't know, that person is a stranger. What does that mean?
We don't talk to them.
That's right.

Mrs. Jessica, can I walk next to the shopping cart?
Yes, but the people in this store are strangers, right?
Right.

Mrs. Jessica, can I have a piece of candy?
Sure, but we never take candy from whom?
Strangers!
That's right!

Mrs. Jessica, can I sit in the front seat?
No, you're too small. You should never, ever ride in a stranger's car at all, even if they let you ride in the front seat.
Yes ma'am.

You get the picture.

Some kids got this concept, while others did not.

Christopher, my "only sees the world in shades of black-and-white" child, and Kaylee, my "oldest child who is always trying hard to remember all the rules" one, however, completely and totally understood and were quick to remind ME of the rules.

When the nice lady at Target reached over to pat Christopher on the head, he jerked away like she had leprosy. Even after I politely explained that he was ok, nothing to worry about, Christopher said (with the lady still standing there and everything), "But Mommy, that woman is a stranger! We can't talk to her anymore!" Yes. He did, in fact, use his tiny index finger to point at said lady. Yeah.

Or the time Kaylee wouldn't even give her family member a hug because it had been a long time since she had seen him/her.

 "Kaylee, why won't you say hello and give hugs?"

She matter-of-factly stated, "Because, Mommy. I don't know that person and they are a stranger. I should never talk to strangers and ex-specially NEVER give them hugs. Ever."

"But, Kaylee, that is your relative. It's ok to give hugs to relatives. That makes them feel loved and happy."

"Well, maybe if I see that person next time, he/she won't be a stranger anymore."

 Is it really the child's fault if he doesn't want to be touched, patted, hugged, or spoken to by someone he barely knows (whether related to him/her, or not).

You think I'm making this up, don't you?

If I've learned anything from having very "tell-it-like-it-is" kind of children, it's the value of honesty. Plain and simple. Why not just cut to the chase, clear away all the "fluff," and put it all on the table? The Bible teaches us to, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no" (Matt. 5:37, NIV). It goes on to say that if we add anything other than this, it can be called "evil."

I know, I know. What about hurting other people's feelings? What about being respectful? What about the fact that "I was raised in the South by sweet Grandma Betty Mae, and she always told me to be nice?!"

"But what if my wife asks if she looks fat in her jeans?!!"

I get it. Discretion is important. Use it.

But consider, for a moment, what might happen to a child who refused to be honest about not knowing someone as a stranger?

"Oh, well, I don't want to hurt that man's feelings by refusing his offer of candy, so I'll take it anyway. Just so he won't be upset."

"Mommy said not to go in the car with the lady, but she was really nice, and she was getting sad when I said no to her. So, I'll just go for a short drive."

Are you kidding me?!

Obviously, those responses would not be ideal.

Just like it was not ideal for two of our foster children to ask and receive money and snacks from people they didn't know. Not because we don't want to GET to know other people, but because young children (and obviously some adults...eh hem...) have not yet developed clear, relational boundaries. They do not understand that not everyone who is living, breathing, and possibly bearing hugs and choice fruits, is/can be a FRIEND.

That is where we parents come in. Like it or not, Grandma Betty Mae, it's my job to be brutally honest with my children. And when it comes to strangers, my yes is a yes and my no is a no (but more no's than yes's, that's for sure).

Though it can be awkward, a little annoying, and SUPER embarrassing to have my children be so frank, it is also reassuring. I know that at least Kaylee and Christopher understand the things they are taught. They can remember them. They can follow them. They're not afraid to hurt someone's feelings or make someone uncomfortable to do what's right.

I need to take a lesson from them.

#12: We are not freeloaders

I don't think I have ever been more shocked or outraged by someone's story than I was by the one Julie* shared with me, last week. Julie is a sweet lady who comes to our home 4 times a month to work with one of our younger children. She is an Education Intervention mentor who helps our child with social, emotional, and occupational skills in order to prepare him for Pre-K. May the Lord bless her soul for being patient enough with our rambunctious 4-year-old to actually teach him something. Whew!

Julie shared with me, last week, that her 20 year old son has spina bifida. You can read all about this birth defect, here:

http://www.spinabifidaassociation.org/site/c.evKRI7OXIoJ8H/b.8028963/k.BE67/Home.html

When her son, James,* was a baby, Julie and her husband made $25,000, total. I don't mean she made $25,000 and he made $25,000. I mean, their combined, yearly income was $25,000. Obviously, this is not enough money to keep up with the demands of a 5 person household, even in the '90's, much less pay the ever-increasing pile of hospital bills resulting from their child's treatments. So, she and her husband applied for government assistance and disability.

They were denied.

They made too much money.

Until their doctors finally declared James "medically incompetent" at age 4, and allowed Julie's family to receive Medicaid and other benefits for James, Julie and her family struggled to keep up, financially. She said that one year, the government even seized their $4,000 tax return as payment for their past due bills. Though she and her husband were doing the best they could, paying $15 to each bill, each month, and living off of $25 a week, they were still unable to make ends meet.

But the welfare system declined them for the first 4 years of their son's life.

Julie has a case load of 22 kids that she sees for services, each month. She described how one of her families has a child that was just diagnosed with autism. As a result, the family is given a monthly stipend of over $700 for services for their child. This money can go toward any of the child's needs, and a portion can even go toward helping with family expenses and bills. To top it off, they were given back-dated support, because the mother had been filing for this assistance for several months. Her total first installment was over $5000.

I could not even begin to compare one illness/disorder/disease to another, nor begin to determine how and why one might generate more financial expense than the other. But I find it unbelievable that one mother is able to receive thousands of dollars to cover the expenses of her child's needs, while another gets nothing. Can you imagine what that check would've looked like if Julie had been able to receive back-dated support for 4 years?!

Julie said when she saw that family, last week, the mom was bragging about her tanning bed membership and her new hair-do.

Another family Julie services lives in a home "littered with beer cans and bottles," but each parent has a laptop, big screen TV, and they drive SUV's. Neither of the parents work.

In both cases, Julie received Medicaid as the family's form of medical insurance. She knows they receive other government benefits because the families make no attempt to hide this fact, and actually appear to be very proud of this. The mother who got the lump sum check even complained that her food stamp benefits had been decreased to $60 a month.

"Well, at least she gets that! I don't magically get $60 added to my bank account every month!"

SHOCKING and APPALLING.

Unfortunately, while not everyone benefits from government assistance in this way, I do believe that cases like these are the norm, though this is not what was intended with the start of the welfare system. Government assistance was designed to help those who either were unable to care for themselves due to illness, injury, or old age, and to help those who had fallen on hard times. Not to serve as a "free ride through life" like it is, today.

Again, I do not believe all people receiving benefits are using them for irresponsible, selfish purposes.

I personally know someone who was enrolled in a 4 year college but was unable to work, due to her class load. She decided to apply for food stamps while she was student teaching, just to help herself out until she graduated. Anyone who is familiar with this program knows that student teaching is exactly like teaching, but without pay. It takes up at least 6-8 hours of your day, on top of  night classes, which makes it nearly impossible to work. Unfortunately, though she was paying a mortgage and had various other bills, she did not qualify for any assistance at all. Why? She had no dependents (children) and was receiving too many grants and loans....all of which were going to pay for her college courses.

Obviously, the welfare system now rewards those who do not work, attempt to try and better their living situation, or become active members of society. The above-mentioned college student went to school to earn her degree in Education, where she now teaches 3rd grade at a PUBLIC, GOVERNMENT FUNDED SCHOOL. Yet, this is the same government that refused to help her when she was in a financial crunch in college, earning a degree to one day work for them!

I would love to sit at home with my children all day, eat whatever I wanted, play on my computer, and drive a fancy car. I can't even tell you when I last got a real, salon hair cut (I'm not talking about the $10 special at Great Clips, y'all), or even considered having enough extra income to afford a tanning bed membership! But if someone was offering me all these things FOR FREE, you better believe I would be tempted to shout, "Where do I sign?!"

But where is the dignity in that? Where is the sense of pride and self-worth that comes from a job well done? Where are family values, morals, and integrity?

Those things do not come cheap, and are certainly not FREE.

I want to leave my children and family a legacy of hard work, service to others, and good stewardship. I want them to understand that nothing of true value can ever be priced or bought, and that the best things in life ARE NOT FREE. The freedoms we enjoy, games won, degrees earned, jobs secured, families raised, and lives lived require payment in hard work, blood, sweat, and tears of passionate individuals and families that believe in MORE than the temporal satisfaction of material possessions.

There is nothing better than being able to provide for your family and maybe even having a little left over, at the end of the month. But to do so with your own hands is invaluable.

I pray that my children will learn from the stories like that of Julie and her son James. It is always ok to ask for help when needed. But it is not ok to accept help without actively participating in the help received. Nor is it ok to accept help without committing to pay it forward.

I pray that the Lord will give my husband and me the strength, determination, and bravery to continue to show our children, in a world of entitlement, the benefit of hard work, and the value of EARNING rather than simply receiving. I pray that our attempts will reach beyond the things we can see, taste, and touch in this lifetime, extending to eternity where Kaylee and Christopher will learn to "store up treasures in Heaven." I pray that our children will find their true reward is not what man gives them, thinks of them, or desires from them, but that which is from our Heavenly Father.

 For the Lord gives freely, but not unjustly.

(*Names have been changed to protect privacy)

The one less traveled

I used to think, "If you've seen one hiking trail, you've seen them all." And, for most of my life, this belief has kept me free of scary, bug-infested places like the woods, or local state parks. However, after hiking with my family at Devil's Fork, today, I no longer believe that all trails are the same.

Were there rocks, trees, fallen leaves, and lots and lots of dirt? Yes.

Did this path have tiny streams, babbling brooks, and man-made bridges for crossing them? Yes.

Did we trip over protruding tree roots, rest on rotting logs, and scream at the mere sight of ooey-gooey, creepy crawlies? You can bet your life on it.

So, what made this hike different?

 I chose to take notice.

I noticed one of our older boys, who spends most of his time yelling, "Stop!" "Leave me alone!" and "That's mine!" at the younger members of our family, share his chocolate candy bar. He meticulously broke of tiny, brown squares for the 3 youngest children in our group, without being asked, told, or begged to do so. This Hershey's bar was unlike any other bar, because this one cost our older son his precious, coveted, allowance money. This normally self-centered, teenage boy sacrificed something that was his, something he worked hard to be able to purchase, with 3 other people, knowing he would get nothing in return. He did this willingly, and without noticeable regret. What might seem like a small act of kindness (let's face it, 3 small squares of chocolate really isn't a lot, compared to the whole bar) was a miraculous display of selflessness, and I was truly in awe.

I noticed how much my daughter reminds me of her Auntie Vanessa, my husband's sister, as a little girl. With her makeshift walking stick in hand, Kaylee lead our pack down the trail, making sure to point out the white paint marks reminding us that we were on the right track. Long, brown ponytail swaying in the wind, Kaylee was a picture of the utmost confidence and bravery as she charged ahead toward the nearby lake, at the end of the path. She was my "Little Adventure Girl," today, as she waded into the nearby lake, completely unphased by the fact that she was surrounded by boys on all sides.

I noticed that my son's level of compassion and concern for others far outweighs that of any other 4-year-old I have ever known. Upon attempting to climb a steep incline with a very large ravine on one side, this conversation took place:

Me: Christopher, let me get on that side of you, because I don't want you to slip and fall down the big hill.

Christopher: Mommy, I don't want you to fall down, either.

Me: Well, how about we hold hands and keep each other safe.

Christopher (quickly grabbing my hand and squeezing it tightly): That's a great idea because that will be sad if we fall down and get squished.

I noticed how much credit my husband deserves for coming along on trips like these. He could be like other dads who spend their afternoons working, watching TV, playing on their computers, or perfecting their golf swings. Instead, mine helps pack the cooler, snap seat belts, and drives our van-load full of crazy kids to the woods for some afternoon, family fun. Instead of parking himself on a nearby picnic bench, my husband demonstrated how to skip rocks, pointed out interesting sites along our hiking trail, and even repeated, "Slow down," "Look out," and "Be careful" at least 2,000 times during our trip, in an attempt to keep the bruises, bumps, and encounters with those dreaded creepy crawlies to a minimum.

I noticed how, when all was said and done, everyone agreed that their favorite part of the day was, "Everything we did," though all of our foster boys previously complained about having to spend the afternoon in the woods. They even had a blast prying rocks from the sandy banks and throwing them over, and over, and over into the lake. It doesn't take much to show them a good time or keep them entertained!

I also noticed something about myself. Though I was worn and tired from working muscles I didn't know I had until today, I realized that I enjoy being outside. I really, really like to hike and will probably make plans to do it as often as I can before the weather gets too hot. Not because I like dirt. Not because I "feel one with nature." And not even because it beats being cooped up inside all day. I like being outside, and even hiking, because my family is with me.

And when my family is around, I take notice.

You know you live with a Super Dad when.....

You come home from an 8 hour training day

to a completely clean house, living, breathing,

 bathed children, homework done, laundry

folded and put away, and ready-to-eat dinner

(it was Family Night Supper at church, but he

definitely gets a few extra points for getting

everyone to church on time, too).


Did I mention that we have 8 kids, ages 14, 13, 6, 6, 5, 4, 4, 14 months?

#15: Try Your BEST!

Recently, my daughter's kindergarten teacher sent home a note stating how proud and excited she is that everyone in the class is working hard on his/her writing skills. She was "delighted" by all the notes, cards, and books each one completed to give to friends, family, and teachers. As any good teacher would do, she encouraged us parents to continue to foster this love at home by supplying our children with opportunities to practice their newly developed skills.

But then she stated, and I quote:

"Remember, we are only in kindergarten, so please do not get carried away with correcting your child's spelling, for this might discourage him/her from wanting to write."

Let that sink in for a minute........

This statement was written by a teacher who has been practicing her trade for more than 20 years.

Let that sink in for a minute.........

Now, trust me, I am not one of those crazy parents who thinks her children need to be Harvard applicants by age 15. I get that kindergarten is only the beginning, just a precursor for what's to come when "real school" starts. I totally understand that a child must first learn important, valuable, time-tested skills like finger painting, sock puppet making, and play dough sculpting before he/she can ever be expected to actually read, write, or spell correctly.

But really? My daughter's "been teaching for more than 20 years" teacher took the time to write a note discouraging parents from correcting their child's spelling? Really?!

Does anyone else find that to be a bit of an oxymoron? Or perhaps just MORON?

I love that my Sweet-ums loves to write. I even love that she doesn't want my help, most of the time, because she wants to "surprise me" with what she can do all on her own. I love that she always has a beautifully detailed illustration to go with her writing. I love that, when we started this school year, Kaylee could only write her name and some small words. But now she can read and write whole books! It's amazing what a child can learn in just a small amount of time!

I know that Kaylee is only in kindergarten and that she has her whole life to learn to structure her sentences properly, use correct grammar and punctuation, and to spell words correctly. I know that she may not be good at these things, no matter how many classes she sits through, how many examples she is given. I know that she may never be great at writing.

But I always want her to try her best.

And, in this case, her best includes learning to spell words correctly. Even in kindergarten.

*If I didn't correct her, she would still be spelling her brother's name like this: cristofer, instead of this: Christopher.

*If I didn't correct her, she would still be spelling the word "flower" (one that she uses quite often) like this: flowr.

*If I didn't correct her, she would still be spelling "princess" (a word she uses more than once a day, I assure you) like this: pritses.

*If I didn't correct her, she wouldn't be ASKING me how to spell things she is not sure about.

After all, learning to ask for help is the first step in trying your BEST.

I want my child to realize that she does have weaknesses. Without this understanding, she cannot see her need to try. If she does not try, she will merely settle for what she can do/has always had, and she will never know that there is better. That there can be a BEST.

Her Best.

It's Not My Party, But I Might Cry, Anyway

Birthdays are a big deal in our house. We go out of our way to make sure each member of our family feels loved, cherished, and a little extra special on his/her birthday. We spend a little extra money on the cake, buy a few gifts, and invite as many family members and friends as we can. To me, a child's birthday is the most important "holiday" of the year....it's the one day we focus all our attention on that one person.

One of our foster boys has a birthday, this month. When I asked him how he spent his birthday, last year, he told me that he didn't get a birthday. He and his brother were temporarily living in the custody of a group home that housed many other children. So, on his special day, he was presented with a card holding a $20 bill, but nothing else. He doesn't even remember having a birthday cake.

Well, that's all I needed to hear to know that this year was going to be extra-special for him.

Chris and I went through great lengths to find a baker that would do a "duck hunter" themed cake. We wanted it to resemble, as closely as possible, this child's favorite TV show. We were even able to secure one that came with an actual replica of a duck call. We were excited!

Next, we bought as much junk food as we could for this child. He is turning 13, after all, so what better way to show how much we care than surrounding him with spicy Cheetos, Dr. Peppers, and Oreos?! Oh, and we threw in a little cash so he could get himself something nicer....or more junk food.

We also purchased and wrapped a large, orange ball for him. Some of our younger children have them, and he wanted one of his own. So, we got him one. Don't ask me......

Instead of a card, we asked everyone to sign a large picture of his favorite character from the above-mentioned TV show, which also had a famous quote from the actor. When he saw it, he laughed and laughed and made sure everyone had a chance to sign it.

Finally, we invited all of his friends, including several adult mentors that drove our of their way to come, as well as his biological mother, grandmother, and cousin. It was a pretty good turn out.

We decorated, sang "Happy Birthday," cut cake, scooped ice cream, served drinks, made small talk with our guests, took pictures, cleaned up afterward. It was a good party, and it was visibly obvious that this child was pleased.

But he did not say thank you even 1 time. Not even once. Not even when he opened his gifts and everyone was watching and it's usually customary to at least throw in a "thanks" because, well, everyone is watching and all.

In fact, later that day, he complained about how his ball got popped (though he allowed his little cousin to play outside with it, sit on it, bounce on it, etc., which he knew wasn't a good idea).

Earlier in the day, he told me that we should've gotten a cake that was even more of a resemblance to his favorite show.

He left his snacks lying all over the house, and even drank one of the sodas and left the empty bottle out in the house where I would have to pick it up.

As soon as cake time was over, he left out of the house with his family and didn't even bother to clean up after himself or his guests.

Later that night, he complained about the pizza place we were planning on taking everyone for dinner. This was totally unrelated to his birthday, yet he literally looked at me and asked, "Shouldn't I get to choose where we go since it's my birthday?"

Please note: the only reason we celebrated his birthday, today, was because we won't be here on his actual day (April 5), but we wanted to be sure that we had the opportunity to do something special for him before we left. So, no, technically, it was NOT his birthday, so no, he should NOT be the one to choose where we go eat. 

Yes, this is the same kid who didn't even get a birthday, last year. Yet, he spent the whole day acting as though he was entitled to one, this year.

I'm just not really sure how to process this. This is certainly not the first time a child has acted this way after I have obviously gone above and beyond for him. I have developed a much thicker skin, over the years, because of events like this, so it doesn't hurt my feelings when one of my foster children does this. If anything, I guess I almost expect it.

 But I guess I just feel frustrated and annoyed that he would just act like all the effort we put forth was no big deal. Like it was owed to him. It makes me wonder if this is something he has learned from our parenting him, or if he learned this even before I entered the picture. Are these the kinds of kids we are raising?

At times like these, all I can do is thank the Lord for His grace. Not only to get me through birthday celebrations that leave me feeling more wiped out than happy and celebratory, but also to show me how many times He has gone out of His way for me, yet I haven't even taken the time to thank Him. Do I walk around like He owes me something? Do I make demands of Him like this child did me? How are my actions similar, and do I cause my Heavenly Father frustration with my behavior?

Yes. Yes. Let me count the ways.......

We will still have Happy Birthdays in our home, whether they are appreciated or not. We will still celebrate each child, whether they care or not. We will still thank the Lord for giving us the patience, love, mercy, and grace to do so, even when it's hard.

But most of all, I thank Him that He loves us when we act like self-centered, stubborn, ungrateful teenagers.

Thoughts on an Easter Sunday FB Post

I saw a post on Facebook, yesterday, from a church we attended when we lived in Mississippi. The children's minister posted 5 pictures of different children winning Kindle Fires on Easter Sunday. This church has several weekend services, including a Saturday night crowd, so I assumed there was 1-2 prizes given away in each service. When we started at this church, it was in the beginning phases of becoming a community-style church. It only had 1 service, and though they were following several trends of other mega churches, they weren't yet a "mega church." The Lord has blessed them and multiplied their flock, which is truly wonderful.

 However, here are my thoughts on those pictures.

1.) What is a CHILD going to do with a Kindle Fire?! The children's ministry, there, serves the 1st-5th grades. Even if only 5th graders were given the opportunity to win this tiny tablet, what real purpose would those 5th graders have for owning a Kindle Fire? 

2.) The cost of each device, times 5, is about $1,000.00, depending on where/when they were purchased. Why not pick 5 visiting families at random and offer to buy a week's worth of groceries for them, instead? Better yet, find five truly needy families and buy them some groceries. Or take the entire amount, choose one family, buy their groceries, and pay a few of their bills for the month!Wouldn't that be more beneficial, in the long run, than the Kindle?

3.) My husband and I worked at a church plant for  several years, so I get the fact that churches see a huge increase in attendance at their annual Easter and Christmas services. I have seen this happen with my own eyes. Pastors will often change certain things about their services, put in a special song or two, or offer some other incentive for visitors to darken their doors on Easter Sunday. Most of the time, this works. People get the prize, go home feeling pretty good about their morning, and might even come back a few times. But, like I've seen just as often, if the person came for the prize, pretty soon they'll quit coming if the church stops giving prizes.

I think, of all these points, the one that makes me most upset is the last one. What a ruse! I would definitely be turned off from church if they sold me something that wasn't real. Even if the music was a little different, or the speaker wasn't the lead pastor, I would be upset, too, and I probably wouldn't want to come back for a while, either. Chances are, those who don't regularly attend church are either non-believers, or people who have been hurt by the church. I think it's such a disservice to them to think they can be bought by a few freebies and some cool "Easter changes." They've seen through all the other area churches that had "something to offer." What makes this particular church think they won't see through them, as well?

Unless they're giving away Kindle Fires to elementary schoolers, every Sunday, in which case that is a completely different issue, all together.

Don't get me wrong, I like a little change, now and then. I don't want to attend a church, week after week, and be able to predict every little thing that's going to happen. But I think these bigger, community-style churches tend to bait their congregation, all in the name of staying "relevant," "current," or "up and coming."

What is more Relevant, Current, or Up and Coming than The Word of God? Why do Christians, lead Pastors, and Congregations feel they need to add all this "fluff" to make it more appealing?

#2: There is no Santa, etc.

Mkay. I decided to address this particular issue, first, because, well, it's Easter weekend. No, my husband and I do not teach our children to believe in Santa, Leprechauns, the Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny. In fact, we are very honest with them about how these people do not exist in reality, but are like characters in a fictitious movie and/or storybook.

*GASP*

Go ahead. Call me what you will: uncreative, unimaginative, ridiculous. Tell me I am taking away my son and daughter's innocence, that we're bad parents. Many eyebrows have been raised in my direction over this very issue.

We are Evangelical Christians, so the Biblical reasons for our beliefs are first and foremost. But many who will read this already know what the Bible says/teaches regarding honesty, integrity, and the true meaning of our country's most prominent holidays/celebrations: Jesus Christ. He is our main focus, daily, and during holiday seasons, but I have another post coming on all this, so I'll save my thoughts for it.

So here's another reason why this is non-negotiable issue for us:

It's lying. Plain and simple.

I've heard all the responses:

"It's not lying; it's just encouraging their imaginations."

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"If the worst I could do, as a parent, is allow my children to believe in fictitious characters, then I am doing pretty well!"

Truth is, I believed in Santa when I was a child. Many people can relate to my feelings of uncertainty about the whole thing, but with all the books, movies, posters with Mr. Red Suit, himself, popping up long before Thanksgiving, I wanted nothing more than for the whole shenanigan to be real. I wanted to visit the North Pole by sleigh, nibble Christmas cookies by the fire with Mrs. Claus, and maybe, just maybe, I would get my very own, private tour of Santa's Workshop. Oh, what could be better for a 6th grader?!

You read that right. I still wanted to believe, even in the 6th grade.

Until one Christmas Eve when I decided to stay up a little later. My parents hurried my sisters, brother, and me to bed, reminding us that, "Santa won't come 'til you're asleep." Well, "Santa" did not realize that I was still awake. Late into the night, I heard rustling outside. I could see the driveway from bedroom window of our single-wide trailer, and noticed that someone was opening the door to the family car. I pressed my face closer to the glass and realized that it was my mom, who appeared to be retrieving something from the back seat. Ever so carefully, I raised up a little more to get a closer look, careful not to disturb my 2 sisters sleeping next to me in the full-sized bed we shared, just as she pulled her hands from the rusted, hatchback car. In her arms were 4 medium-sized boxes, which, in the darkness, appeared to be wrapped in Christmas paper. It was at that moment that I KNEW.

Even though I reasoned that Santa must know I am still awake and spying on my mother out the window, and that's why he hadn't yet come, I still felt unsure after snuggling down in the covers to finally go to sleep. When we awoke that morning, those 4 gifts were under the tree small. Christmas was sparse that year, so those were the only gifts, all "from Santa."

I was not traumatized by this experience at all. I admit, whole-heartedly, that it was fun believing in elves and reindeer and trips around the world in one night. But it was devastating finding out the truth. Not because I would never get to have cookies with Mrs. Claus, but because my parents lied to me....again.

 I don't want my children to feel those same feelings, or hurt in that way. There are too many other people and opportunities in their little world for them to experience disappointment and mistrust. I want to limit myself as a cause, as much as possible.

When Chris and I talk with our children about these symbols of different seasons, we call them just that, "Symbols." We also refer to them as "people dressed up as characters." If they ask questions, we use those opportunities to teach them about the history of certain holidays/traditions, and always preface it with, "Some people believe...." We never tell them they can't believe, nor do we discourage them, but we are always honest with them about what we believe, and what we hope they will learn to believe.

Kaylee and Christopher live normal, healthy lives.Even though we are Christians, our children still get to celebrate holidays and other National Holidays, and our daughter will soon get her first visit from the Tooth Fairy, whom she knows "looks like Mommy." They are not missing out on anything because of our parenting style. In our opinion, they are learning more important lessons than the names of all 8 tiny reindeer or who Peter Cottontail is. They are learning to be thankful for what they get at holidays, to properly thank those from whom they receive, and to be generous, themselves. But they know the truth of where special treats come from.

If they want to talk to us about how these characters are "really real," (or how Batman really does save people), we listen. But we do not leave special presents for our son "from Batman," write letters to our favorite Marvel characters, or plan special days to celebrate their accomplishments. (How silly would that be? I declare August 1st as "Batman Day"! It would be fun, but if we acted as if he were real, that would be plain "ridiculous," huh?) Instead, we hear them out, and gently remind them of the truth, praise them when they have worked a legitimate fact into their tall tale, and move on with our lives.

Also, another important benefit of honesty in this situation is how our children can distinguish between fact and fiction, and I am proud of them for this. So many children, at a young age, do not have this skill. Often times, this is highly detrimental, causing the child to get hurt more frequently, or deny abuse/neglect because they are not fully aware, cognitively, of the realities of their experiences. Thus, they cannot effectively communicate the details of their trauma, and do not receive help in a timely manner. Chris and I are very careful to protect our children from learning certain "truths" too quickly, but we do make a point to tell them as much information as we can, on any given subject, while still keeping it age-appropriate. This helps build trust, as well as effective communication skills within our family.

Those 2 things are more important to us than whether or not our children really believed in some magical leprechaun spreading luck to all on St. Patrick's Day.

If we lie about Santa or the Easter Bunny, what else are we willing to lie about? What else could we be accused of lying about, by our own children?

 Think about it.....

And please, put your eyebrows down.

Things I'm Not Afraid to Teach My Children

*This post will be a series of posts, because I have lots to say about each point. But for time's sake, here is a brief list. Explanations to follow.

 I think, as a mom, I get so bogged down with the idea that I have to be a "perfect parent" (whatever that means), and that if I'm not doing things a "certain way" (whatever that is), then I'm somehow failing my children. I'm a perfectionist, by nature, so I get bogged down a lot. A lot, A lot.

BUT

I'm giving myself a break. For better, or worse, here are a few things I am teaching my littles that require no comment, opinion, or approval from the Peanut Gallery, thank you very much. :)


1.) Some people really are creepy and it is ok to stay away from them.

2.) There is no Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and no, you won't find any tiny little leprechauns walking down the street on St. Patty's Day.

3.) If you don't want to hug, kiss, or hold hands with one of your relatives, friends, neighbors, teachers, etc., then, by golly, YOU DON'T HAVE TO! More importantly, if you don't want them to do the above to/with you, then it is perfectly ok to say so, and you should.

4.) Eat dessert whenever you want. As long as you are eating healthy, nutritious foods throughout the day, cookies can totally be a breakfast food.

5.) There is a Heaven and a Hell, a Jesus, and a Satan, and one day you WILL have to choose whom you will serve and where you will spend eternity.

6.) Sometimes, the things you say and do really do hurt my feelings.

7.) Handwritten notes are always best.

8.) Time is one of the most precious gifts given to us by God. Don't waste it, squander it, forfeit it, or decline it.

9.) It is my job to be all up in your stuff, your face, and your life. That's what a parent does. And you have 2, so you might as well get over being mad about it!

10.) You can absolutely be anything you want to be, think anything you want to think, love anyone you want to love, and have anything you want to have. With the Lord's help, I hope to teach you boundaries, wisdom, and discretion that will help you make the best choices. But I will love you, regardless.

11.) You are not your past. Don't let it rule you. Let it change you and make you more equipped to face your future.

12.) Anything worth having is worth earning. We are not free-loaders, and we are not raising free-loaders.

13.) Parents disagree with each other. Parents argue with each other. Parents apologize to each other. Parents forgive each other.

14.) Some days, it's ok to skip chores.

15.) You don't have to good at everything. You don't have to be great at anything. You MUST try your best, always.

16.) We do not say the words "stupid," "butt," "shut up," or, "Oh my God." Many people (even grown-ups) will tell you it's ok, but you'll just get in trouble if you do.

17.) The correct words are penis and vagina. Enough said.

18.) You don't have to go to the doctor for everything. In fact, if you can find a good home remedy, try that first. Definitely stay up-to-date on shots and regular check ups, but treat medicines as last resorts. Otherwise, your immune system becomes dependent and you'll find yourself in many a waiting room.

19.) It's ok to act like a kid, sometimes, even when you're an adult. Enjoy life. Have fun. But be responsible.

20.) It's ok to eat pork, get a tattoo (if you can stand the needles!), and hang with other sinners. Be wise about it, and check your motivation. After all, the Lord looks at the heart.

Well, there you have it! :)

A Day in the Life

Everyone is always asking us about our job as house parents. They want to know what we do, how we got involved, how I come up with my menus, do we have time to bathe regularly. You know, the usual stuff you ask parents of a large family.  

My answer is always the same:

By the Grace of God

Because it's such a large part of my life (What am I talking about? It IS my life!), I will definitely be sharing stories, snippets, blurbs, and many of the lessons I have learned since becoming Mommy to my own 2, as well as the foster children God has brought into our lives. It really is a blessing, and we are very fortunate to get to be a part of the work God is doing in the lives of abused and neglected children.

But to start us off, and to fully squelch any thoughts you may have had about foster parents being "Super Parents," "Saint-like," or "Gifted," (all titles that have been used to describe my husband and me over the years), here is a brief look back at last Wednesday.....

Each month, we plan a day to visit our county's food bank. This isn't your typical church or community food pantry; this is the Mecca of all food banks. They have cases and cases of Little Debbies (which usually end up on my hips and thighs), bags and bags of potato chips from every store you can think of, canned goods, frozen pizzas, popsicles, frozen chicken, pork, hamburger patties....the list is literally unending. These are all foods that the stores can longer sell because there is not enough demand, they will expire soon, or the season is over (i.e. the 6 trays of chocolate boxes they were unable to sell after Valentine's Day). The best thing about the food bank is that we can get tons of food (on a recent trip we, literally, purchased A TON of food), at almost no cost. With lots of hungry mouths to feed, and a very tight budget, being allowed to use the food bank is a tremendous blessing. On his last trip, Chris filled up our 15 passenger van, floor to ceiling, for $130. Take that, Extreme Couponers! And I didn't even need a coupon! :)

So, Wednesday was Food Bank Day.

As you can imagine, traveling to and from the food bank, loading and unloading the van, attempting to find a place to put all the food in your tiny pantry, AND supervising a 4 yr old and 13 month old can get a little crazy. That was just our morning.

On Wednesdays, Chris takes 2 of our boys to their weekly counseling appointment. He gets them from school around 12:50pm and heads over to the counselor's office where they participate in play therapy for 2 hours. He is usually home by 3:15pm. Not too bad, since we've worked out arrangements for getting our other children home: 1 from head start gets picked up by the other house parents at 2:30pm, I leave to get our daughter from school by 2:45pm, all other elementary kids get home at 3:15pm via the school bus, and our 2 middle school guys get off their bus at 4:30pm.  Easy enough. We do it every week. Though I'm still up to my eyelids in cardboard boxes from the food bank, with 2 kids napping, we can make it work. Sure we can!

*Not if the counseling appointment before yours runs over time.

 *Not if the adult in the counseling appointment with the child is the house mom at the other house.

*Not if the spouse of the house mom, who is supposed to pick up the kids from head start, is currently running errands in town with no car seats.

At 2:15pm, after just getting the 2 little ones up from their naps, I get a call that goes like this:

House Dad: Hey, Jessica. Am I supposed to go get the kids from head start, today, or are y'all?

Me (in the middle of changing a diaper, with my 4 yr old whining at my heel, thinking in my head "um, yeah you are, that's why we have a schedule"): Um......well, I think it's your turn today.

House Dad: Oh, I didn't know since my wife is at the counseling appointment and I am in town running errands. She has our van with car seats and I would hate to have to go get the kids with no car seats.

Me (struggling to snap every..... last....... button on the baby's outfit while shushing my son so I can hear, because I'm pretty sure I didn't just hear what I thought I just heard on the other end of the phone): Well, I guess I could go get them before I, uh, have to pick up Kaylee (whose school is in the total opposite direction). I have car seats in my car.

House Dad: Ok, that would be good. Cause, like I said, I don't have any seats.

Me: All right. Well, let me let you go and I'll work it out.

House Dad: Thanks!

We hang up. I immediately call Chris, who is waiting at the counselor's office....at this point the session has already gone 20 minutes over, and explain my situation. Chris quickly reminds me that I won't have enough seats in the van for all the kids. I attempt do the math in my head (I was never really good at math), while trying to put shoes on a wiggly 13 month old, and realize that I am 1 seat short.

"Oh my goodness, you're right! Maybe the house mom can get the kids after her appointment."

So, Chris gets off the phone and calls the house parents back, who don't answer. Then, thinking fast on his feet (another post about his Super Dad skills will be published, soon) he quickly calls our case manager who agrees to get the kids from head start, since she goes there to pick up her daughter, every afternoon, anyway. She just has to stop by our van to pick up a booster seat of ours.

Chris calls me back with the news. I am relieved, and quickly load up the 4 yr old and 13 month old to go get our 5 yr old.

Just when you thought the madness was over.....

We arrived home to this scene in our play room: One 2 yr old, 1 3 yr old, 1 4 yr old with toys, games, and books scattered every where. ADD my 4 yr old, my 5 yr old, and my 13 month old to the mix. Yeah, we are our own day care center.

 As if that wasn't enough, my case manager (who is also one of our administrators) nonchalantly says to me, "Oh, since I'm here, I'll do a quick walk-through to make sure we're all set for the state inspection, this Friday."

WHAT?!
Are you kidding me?!
Are you serious?!
You're joking, right?!

My calm, matter-of-fact reply was this, "Well, you're welcome to, but those boxes over there (how could she miss them?!) are from the food bank order we're still trying to put away. But all the major stuff should be ok." (more on preparing for state inspections, later)

"Oh yeah, I totally understand, " she says as she makes her way into our living room, and the rest of the house.

Let's note a few things, here:

1.) There are 6 children in my overturned play room, right now, all under the ages of 6, one of which is screaming and 2 of which are fighting over a toy.

2.) My husband has still not returned from the counseling appointment and it is now 3:30pm.

3.) My kitchen looks like a tornado blew through it and I want nothing more than to at least "organize the chaos."

4.) My case manager, who has graciously gotten us through the "rough" part of our afternoon, and incidentally won the title of "Jessica's BFF," has surprised us with an impromptu "inspection" at the most in-opportune time of the day/week/month/year. She is no longer my BFF, that's for sure!

5.) My husband is STILL NOT HOME and it's now 3:33pm!

At this point, all I want to do is grab my kids, my car keys, my wallet, drive to the farthest CFA I can find, order lots of nuggets and Polynesian sauce, and forget this day ever happened.

Instead, I smile, calm the screamers, mediate the fights, and try not to look at my watch.

........it's 3:37pm, by the way.........

After my no-longer BFF leaves, I force out a, "Thank you so much for your help," and my husband returns (at 3:45pm, mind you). Things start to go back to "normal." Our oldest 2 got home, attitudes and all. The kitchen eventually, though not totally non begrudgingly, got cleaned up. Dinner was cooked and served, even if the main course was ravioli from a can. Kids were fed, bathed, and tucked in. The house was put back into some semblance of an order, and Chris and I fell into bed with a giant THUD, where we slept and slept and forgot all about the crazy day we just survived.

.....................until a child called out for us at 1:30 in the morning..............

Yay! I've always wanted to do this!

I'd like to go on the record saying that I have a lot to say about a lot of things and I want a lot of people to know. That, in a nutshell, is why I now have a blog.

 (And also because my sister inspired me. She's pretty good at that.)

I have been writing things down for years. I remember people telling me, at a very young age, I was going to be a writer. I kept journals (however inconsistent) in high school, and I majored in English w/Writing Publication in college. I'm one of those extra-sentimental people who feels like if I don't take the time to handwrite/type out my words, they don't have as much meaning. I still write, as a mom, just NOT NEARLY AS OFTEN as I would like.

Writing, for me, is essential to my daily life. Chances are, if I don't write it down, I can almost guarantee with 100% accuracy that I will not remember whatever it was I was supposed to remember. And in my line of work, forgetting is highly detrimental.

Moms are the only people on the planet (except maybe the president, though that's up for debate, I suppose) that are not allowed to forget a single thing. If I forget to sign the permission slip, I definitely get the stink eye. If I forget that today is "dress like a princess day" at school, and I have no princess, I am left to pick up the pieces of my 5 yr old daughter's shattered, broken, never-going-to-ever-be-fixed-heart-ever. And I better not ever, no not ever, forget that my child likes cake, but not regular cake. He likes the kind that is moist, but not too moist, chocolate but without chocolate chips, iced but not with buttercream because only the whipped icing keeps him from hurling his guts into oblivion, and he can only eat cake with a spoon, not a fork, because it tastes better that way. Yes, folks, if I were to forget even one minor detail such as this, the world would probably stop spinning. FOREVER!

Yes, I even take the time to write down incredibly out-of-the-box requests such as these. For today's memory's sake, and for those days when I am old and gray, and he's getting old and gray, and I am still baking birthday cakes just the way he likes them.

So, here I am. Writing to you because I love to, want to, NEED to, and because, maybe it will not only help ME remember the important things in my life, but will also help YOU remember, as well.